


cause a devil kissed me「空」

by onlywheniwalkaway



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Farm/Ranch, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Asexual Character, Caretaking, Depressing, Falling In Love, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, Kim Jongdae | Chen-centric, M/M, Mountains, Multi, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Other, Past Character Death, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Post-War, Recovery, Self-Acceptance, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Survivor Guilt, Violent Thoughts, X-EXO Clone Park Chanyeol, X-EXO Clones (EXO)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 08:13:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 21,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29115066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onlywheniwalkaway/pseuds/onlywheniwalkaway
Summary: jongdae was always falling,but chanyeøl always caught hold of him.
Relationships: Kim Jongdae | Chen/Park Chanyeol
Kudos: 19





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> [Interstellar (12 Strings Guitar)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IuEEEwgdAZs), [The Garden of Words OST](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQklNpxP0D8), [APRIL.#19](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=feShpPLivK0), and [하루종일 (All Day Long)](https://youtu.be/8sQDLuER8Ow) are the soundtrack. 

The moment Jongdae opened his eyes, the light of a place he never knew shone upon him. The curtains flew above his forehead. He listened to the rustle of the leaves right as he laid beneath the window. His fingers wrapped in bandages stirred sluggishly. His body beneath the white blanket shifted and moved with all his leftover strength to sit.

Around him was a scene of a fairy-tale, a warm wooden room filled with miscellaneous things that breathed life into the cottage. Sentimental paintings, lush vegetation, and aesthetic flora adorned the inside of this dwelling.

This must be a dream.

It was a dream.

There was no time for him to be breathing in this fairy-tale life. He had to wake up. He had a battle to fight. He had comrades to protect, to fight for. He had to—

“Jongdae!”

He ignored the familiar calm deep voice that called out for him. This was a dream. Nothing would lure him away from battle now. His teammates needed him.

Jongdae grunted through his crawl the moment he threw himself off the soft bed, landing on his twisted wrist, trying to wake himself. Anything now to wake himself from this Jongdae must do. He pushed himself off the ground before trying to smash his face into the floor, but he was pulled back by strong arms wrapping around his injured waist.

“Let me go! Let me—” he tried all his might to break his way out of the firm grasp, but all he could do was weakly squirm against this loving embrace holding on to him. “… go. Let me… go… I have to … I have to go to…”

It was warm and safe, this hold. It was lulling him back to breathing steadily, shallowly, slowly back into a deeper sleep.

_“Come on, little buddy!”_

He entered the shithole of a living room, finding that familiar luscious mob of pink hair hovering over their new little pet.

 _“And… nope. Come on, you can do it,”_ the deep voice chuckled at how the tiny little puppy tried to jump for his treat, his bloodied bandaged hand holding the food a little too high for the sweet creature.

 _“Aren’t you little too mean to the little guy?”_ his smaller sharp voice shook the man out of his sweet and defenceless act.

Chanyeøl was quick to get back on his feet, losing all of his childish features and soft eyes underneath all those bruises, sending a glare so sharp it _almost_ made him shiver, dusting off his leather jacket as if he hadn’t been _cute_. _“Fuck off.”_

He rolled his eyes at Mister Tough Guy trying to act all high and mighty as Chanyeøl threw away the treat to the back of room carelessly and disappeared from his sight.

The puppy yelped happily chasing the down the treat before rushing to follow Chanyeøl, leaving him alone in the room.

 _“Fuck you, too, fucking asshole,”_ he mumbled into the empty room, laying his tired body across the couch, waiting for his _other, more considerate_ teammates to wake him up for dinner.

Jongdae woke up, sucking in a deep breath.

He was still in the warm comfy room when he came to. He tried moving and noticed his left hand was in a cast now from that fall he inflicted on himself. It couldn’t be, could it? This was a dream, after all—

Pink hair on the right side of the bed.

Jongdae sat in his loose patient garment, watching Chanyeøl rest his head peacefully on his arms. Big body bend in half from his chair to sleep on the bed. He wasn’t wearing his normal flashy battle suits. He was in a white worn tee. His features were so soft. So much softer than Jongdae had seen. _Too soft, in fact._ Chanyeøl was always hiding his gentle side, so the moment Jongdae saw no bruises on his handsome face, no wariness in his wrinkles, he knew what he had to do.

Jongdae stepped out of the cottage, bare feet struggled to make sense of motion and momentum, stumbling all over the soft grass.

The moonlight was so bright, leading Jongdae on the pebble pathway. He tried not to be distracted by the garden along the way, fields of flowers flowing with the midnight breeze sneaking into his loose garments. It felt like heaven, this place, which was why Jongdae had to run away from it. He was here alone.

Chanyeøl had no bruises… anymore. If the clones recovered, there was only one thing that happened to the originals, his teammates, and Jongdae refused to believe it. There must be another way. Another way that would help Jongdae wake up.

As Jongdae staggered his way down the greenery in this beautiful fairy-tale night, his heart throbbed of memories of the past, throbbed of the pain he didn’t feel, throbbed of the torment he would have to endure if he knew he didn’t fight for his teammates.

Soon, the forest cleared.

A vision of a beautiful village being painted by the rabbit on the lonely moon was below him.

This was a mountain?

Jongdae chuckled through his sore unused voice.

A relief sigh, and he flung himself off the hill.

It was blurry, the whole ordeal. His back and his front graze the rocks and hit the trees as he sped down the slope. He wished he would just wake up already, biting in all the screams, keeping it all to himself, letting the beauty of the mountain take him away so that he would wake up in battle once more.

To no avail, his body slowed to stop. His legs were broken, his body was battered and bleeding, but he was still breathing. It wasn’t enough to wake up.

He stared with tearful eyes wretchedly up at the moon. She must be mocking him. She and her clever rabbit.

Each breath was heavy and filled with blood.

This couldn’t be—

Water.

Jongdae flipped himself over the moment his ears were no longer filled with his own pathetic cries.

He could hear the gentle flow of water in this lonely night.

Jongdae ignored the twist in his wrist. With his right forearm, he pulled himself across the dirt and grass, crawling and crawling because it was all he could do. The pain in his left arm, his legs, his body was nothing compared to the pain of knowing he couldn’t wake to see his teammates again.

Before long, through his bloodshot eyes and adrenaline filled heart, Jongdae blinked away his tears as his limp hand felt the cold yet calming water.

The rush of water filled his tired body with joy. It reminded him of Minseok’s happiness when Jongdae cuddled with him, Baekhyun’s glee when he got to torment Jongdae, Junmyeon’s giggles at his own puns that had Jongdae in visible cringe, Yixing’s healing hands against Jongdae’s body, Sehun’s bright smile for Jongdae’s indulging his favourite little brother, Jongin’s laughter at Jongdae’s inevitable falls for his pranks, Kyungsoo’s eye smiles when Jongdae hugged him, Chanyeol’s overall excitement for Jongdae whenever he saw him.

Jongdae laughed back at the moon and her mocking rabbit, his airway filling up with water, his body flowed with the current taking him along with the path. It was heavy and secure, the water. A sanctuary he could dwell in before he was awakened. He was going to be with his teammates again, soon. Jongdae had always wanted to play in the waterfall. This was a good time as any to bathe himself in it.

Then, he fell.

The cool and rushing mist blurred his vision as he fell from the overhang. His heart beat as loud as the water plunged downstream. He could see the rocks waiting for him below. 

His waist hit the large rock first and he felt every crack in his bone before the left side of his head smashed against the rock.

_“Hey!”_

He rushed towards Chanyeøl, yanking him back by the wrist, but Chanyeøl grunted and jerked his hand away from his grasp. Fire burning in his eyes, fire burning in his hands. All of it threatening to burn him alive if he got any closer.

 _“What the fuck, Yeøl!?”_ He hissed, his eyes watered at the immense heat radiating from Chanyeøl’s fiery stance, but he pushed through, standing firm on this desolate ground. _“Don’t give me that bullshit about justice! You don’t know shit about the originals!”_

 _“You, of all people, shouldn’t be lecturing me about that shit,”_ Chanyeøl actually did it. Chanyeøl actually fucking did it.

His blue fire spread towards him, circling him.

So when blue filled his vision, he didn’t move.

He let the brightest, most intense fire Chanyeøl gave him set him ablaze. It was beautiful, the brightest blue whirl of death.

 _“Please… all I want is for this war to be over,”_ he thought he could hear Chanyeøl crying out for him, but the burn was too much even for his lightening to handle. _“We can all be happy together if we fight together, fight for each other.”_

When the fire fizzled out, it was just him and Chanyeøl. Like always.

 _“You’re fucking crazy, you know that?”_ in Chanyeøl’s embrace, he melted further in his promises. His deep voice was comforting, gentle filled with devotion.

_“I’m not crazy. I’m just in love with you.”_

The first thing Jongdae saw when he woke up was Chanyeøl’s hand brushing away his long strands. It must have been long this time, seeing how long his dark hair had grown.

“Jongdae…” Chanyeøl’s breath hitched, and Jongdae had to blink away all the blurriness in his right eye to see Chanyeøl’s pretty cherry blossom hair, Chanyeøl’s clean handsome face, Chanyeøl’s bright blue eyes shining down at him.

There was no white in his right eye anymore.

Both eyes were beautiful, blue, softly blinking in concern, no longer bearing the mark of a clone.

Chanyeol was dead.

The moment Jongdae coughed, he felt all his bones crack and rattled, drawing a shrill cry out his broken body.

“Fuck! Baëkhyun! Shit!” Then, Jongdae saw his legs in casts hanging above him, his arms in casts beside him. Jongdae couldn’t move, and all he could feel was pain. “I thought you said that was enough morphine!”

Baëkhyun filled his teary vision.

His hair was no longer white, just a soft dull grey.

There was no red across his pretty face anymore.

He looked like a really carefree and adorable puppy, no longer bearing the mark of a clone.

Baekhyun was dead.

“Fuck, just drug him, sedate him, I don’t know— Baëk, make it stop… Please…” Jongdae could feel Chanyeøl’s warmth seep into him as his big familiar body engulfed him. His deep voice hiccupped with a cry against Jongdae’s beating heart.

Jongdae could no longer tell what was real, what wasn’t.

It felt like months and months and months distorting his mind. His being drunk in a haze. Jongdae thought he could see cherry blossom falling above him, but sometimes, he saw Chanyeøl instead. Jongdae thought he could hear Chanyeol’s voice calling out to him, but sometimes, if he focused, it was actually Chanyeøl’s.

 _“You know… maybe you’re right,”_ Chanyeøl sighed in defeat, and he chuckled at the angry flushes in his cute cheeks. Chanyeøl really hated being vulnerable, and yet… Chanyeøl let him see him this way. _“That does look a penguin having a cowboy gunfight with a ninja.”_

 _“Man, you owe me fifty,”_ He laughed in happiness, his palms playfully open for the money that Chanyeøl grumpily shoved at. When their skin touched, his heart rumbled with thundering glee, and he could feel Chanyeøl’s heat burning just the same. _“Oh, don’t be such a sore loser, now.”_

Chanyeøl growled at him, walking away from their stupid cloud shape games. Chanyeøl always lost. And both of them knew it was on purpose. He kept changing the rules to stop Chanyeøl from winning anyway. And Chanyeøl didn’t have the heart to call him out for cheating.

_“I was just going to buy us a dinner with this money anyway.”_

Jongdae felt his hands move first before he could open his eyes. His fingers gently brushed against the soft bed.

Fingers caught his wrist.

It was Chanyeøl’s.

“Jongdae, Jongdae? I’m with you. Hey,” Jongdae tried following the voice, blinking away sleep from his tired eyes.

He recognised this was the same place he’d been waking up in.

So he really couldn’t escape? Why couldn’t he go back to battle? Everyone else made it look so easy. Why couldn’t Jongdae just wake up like everyone else then?

“Hey, we’ve been waiting for you,” Chanyeøl’s fingers laced his, and Jongdae looked up to the Chanyeøl’s relieved smile. Jongdae tried to sit up, but— “No, I’ll help. Wait.”

Strong arms enveloped him and pulled him up to sit against the headboard. Jongdae felt the morning breeze behind the back of his head washing down on him through the window. His arms and legs were no longer in casts, but he barely moved them anymore.

“Here, drink.” Chanyeøl brought the glass of water to his dried lips.

As he quietly drank as he was told with Chanyeøl holding his face and helping drink, Jongdae wondered if it was inevitable trying to run away from Chanyeøl. Jongdae didn’t know how long he’d been out. How long he’d been dreaming of Chanyeøl. When he woke up, it was Chanyeøl that stayed by his side. When he fell back into haziness, it was Chanyeøl plaguing his dreams. All Jongdae wanted was to go back to battle and help out his teammates. The originals. The clones had done enough to help, so it was up to the originals to get things done.

“You should try eating,” Chanyeøl in his warmest sweater smiled at him. His hands held his breakfast tray. He set everything up before Jongdae and sat beside him on the bed. “Your muscles are still sore. I’ll help you eat. Come on.”

Jongdae didn’t have the strength to stay up either, but Chanyeøl was happy to lend his shoulder, letting Jongdae lean against him, helping Jongdae eat, feeding Jongdae every bite slowly with a hushed gentle voice.

It was comfortable, but it was suffocating. It didn’t feel real. No matter how hot Chanyeøl’s fingers felt against his cheeks, no matter how solid Chanyeøl’s hold around his shoulders, no matter how welcoming Chanyeøl’s voice praised him for doing well, no matter how love-sick Chanyeøl’s blue eyes gaze at him. None of this fairy-tale Jongdae deserved.

“Hey…” Chanyeøl had helped him into his wheelchair, and now Chanyeøl was sitting on the grass beside his wheelchair in front of this small pond Jongdae didn’t know existed to the north of the cottage. Jongdae watched the blue butterfly rested its wings on his bandaged arm. “You haven’t talked. Well, you don’t have to if you don’t want to…”

Chanyeøl trailed off, stopped talking altogether. Chanyeøl’s shoulders slumped as he dipped his legs into the pond, his back slouched, his hands fisting the grass. He didn’t know what to say, didn’t know what to ask, didn’t know what to do with Jongdae.

Jongdae blinked at the blue butterfly that suddenly flew into his face, perching on the tip of his nose. His fingers itched and moved. Trying with all his might, Jongdae reached his nose and poked at the little creature. The butterfly fluttered its wings and rested on the tip of his fingers instead. In a trance, Jongdae stared as the creature seemingly cleaned its little legs and its big eyes.

The afternoon breeze filled his nose with so much air he didn’t deserve to breathe in. The leaves of the forest around them sway and rustle melodically for ears that didn’t deserve to hear such beauty. The sky was blue and warm with the beautiful giving life to his pale skin that didn’t deserve to be cherished.

When it flew off to his left, Jongdae saw the flowers in the garden that he had run past many nights ago before he threw himself away.

“Jongdae…” Chanyeøl’s voice broke him out of his trance, and Jongdae turned back to Chanyeøl whose eyes were desperately searching for something within him from below. His pink hair was messy and wavered with the mountain breeze, green leaves sticking out of his pink locks. His blue eyes blending with the blue of the pond before him. His rosy lips trembled with the red mountain flowers across the pond. “Do you… remember me?”

Jongdae’s hair was long and poking his eyes, but Jongdae lifted his hand to brush it back, the muscles in his body felt foreign to him. His hands gripped handrims of the wheelchair, wheeling himself forward, ignoring the alerted eyes blinking up at him.

Just before he could tip himself into the pond, Jongdae held a breath, stopped himself, remembering the Chanyeøl he held in his dreams. No matter how much he wanted to wake up, he couldn’t do it in front of Chanyeøl.

His bandaged hand reached down to brush off the leaves from Chanyeøl’s cherry blossom hair.

“How could I not? You’re a hard one to forget,” his voice rough and scarred, unused for so, so long, and yet Chanyeøl thought it was beautiful, beaming up at him, revelling in his soft touches on his hair.

They were on their way back with Chanyeol taking his time wheeling him on the same pebble path Jongdae had run upon barefoot when Jongdae heard a familiar bark.

And the golden retriever jumped at his wheelchair, its paws resting on his thighs, leaning its whole face into his stomach, tickling him, drawling giggles out of him.

“Hyung! You’re awake!” Kāi smiled down at him brightly from his right side, leaning down to give him a side hug. Jongdae couldn’t return much since the dog demanded much of his attention, but Kāi didn’t seem to mind his lack of strength. “I miss you so much. We all do.”

Jongdae hummed, breathing in the fresh fruity shampoo in Kāi’s pale blue hair instead of dark green.

His clean face pressed against his bare throat.

No bruises on his pretty face.

His eyes were no longer mismatched, shining bright blue, crinkling with youthful joy, no longer bearing the mark of a clone.

Jongin was dead.

Jongdae couldn’t hold back his sudden cough. The urge to break away from this dream crawling up his spine. He felt every muscle wilting to the phantom voices’ of his teammates asking where he was, why he couldn’t be there for them.

“Jongdae, Jongdae!” Chanyeøl’s voice heaved him out of his fall.

Jongdae realised he was in Chanyeøl’s arms, and Kāi was already opening the wooden door to their cottage once more. They had been running with him, rushing him back to bed, settling him down.

As difficult as it was to know this illusion was keeping him away from his battles, Jongdae knew he didn’t want to worry Kāi and Chanyeøl. Jongdae held back and breathed with Chanyeøl’s steady breath, following his leads. The warmth of their golden retriever curled above his legs, whining against his being, trying to help in its way, and Jongdae reached a tired arm to pet the dog.

“It’s… alright. Thank you…” Jongdae breathed easy once more, his other hand held onto Chanyeøl’s trembling one.

“I shouldn’t have let you out—”

“No… Yeøl…” Jongdae breathed out the reply and smiled at the water that Kāi brought to his lips. “It’s okay.”

Chanyeøl cursed softly underneath his breath when Jongdae called his name. How long had it been since Chanyeøl waited for his voice to call out his name?

Kāi left the two of them to their silence, claiming to make lunch for everyone. Jongdae laid with the dog on his laps with Chanyeøl sitting by his bed, leaning into his touch. His left hand gently rubbed the fluffy ears of their golden retriever. His right hand stroked his soft peach strands.

It was both comforting and tormenting. He kept seeing Chanyeøl everywhere, beside him, in his dreams, every second of his life. When Chanyeøl’s eye blinked open and watched him fall asleep to the afternoon breeze from the window above them, Jongdae wondered if he saw as much of him as Jongdae did of Chanyeøl.

_“Yeol!”_

He jumped to the tall figure adorning all-black attire, but the moment he turned back—

_“The fuck— Yeøl?”_

Chanyeøl grunted to his side and hid his pink mob of hair underneath the cap. _“They mixed us up… and I don’t have any other clothes.”_

He giggled when Chanyeøl growled again, annoyed at the cap, throwing it away to beneath the bunk bed, ruffling his hair angrily. _“This is troublesome.”_

 _“Thought for a second that other idiot confused our rooms,”_ he beamed brightly and jumped around trying to see how Big Angry Chanyeøl look with Big Softy Chanyeol’s clothes. Of course, the body was almost identical, but Chanyeøl’s face was rough with red blood dripping from his face and wild peach hair sticking upward handsomely. _“Aw… you’re so tamed now. Cute.”_

Chanyeøl rolled his eyes, pushed his face away, and leaned down below the bunk bed to reach for the cap he carelessly threw. Even with such an annoyed look, Chanyeøl blew air onto the cap, dusting off the dirt from Chanyeol’s things, and set it back into Chanyeol’s backpack neatly.

He sighed at the affectionate act. _“Whatever. You’re so uninteresting at this point—”_

Then, something hit him.

_“Wait! If you’re wearing his clothes… Oh, my, my, don’t wait for me to sleep! I’m going to see Big Softy Chanyeol with some guy’s edgy clothes!”_

_“Hey, that— that’s not allowed. Get back here, you! Sleep! Or I’ll burn all your clothes!”_

He chuckled.

It wasn’t like he could. They were battlefields apart. He was simply trying to be playful and tease him a little, but seeing how Chanyeøl really heated their little room, he might have felt a little pity for him.

 _“Sure, burn them all you want,”_ he shrugged and jumped back to the top bunk, settling in his slumber. _“If it means I get to share clothes with you, I think it’s a win for both of us.”_

When he felt that warm wave of blush hit his back, he smiled into his sleep, thinking of Chanyeøl’s annoyed blush on his plush bruised cheeks.

Jongdae felt wet tongue drenching his cheeks, letting out a whine.

“Big Wolf! Shoo! You’re hurting Dae!” Chanyeøl’s voice whispered menacingly. He ignored the thing his heart did when he heard Chanyeøl’s nickname for him.

Jongdae croaked out a weak— “It’s okay.” Jongdae’s eyes opened to the dog’s tongue trying to get him to open his eyes. “Okay— Big Wolf. I’m up. I’m up.”

“Sorry, he’s just so fast.”

It was morning again already. He must have been so out of it to have slept for so long into a new day. Jongdae sighed at Big Wolf’s golden fur nuzzling against his neck and hugged it back when it dropped its whole weight on top of his body.

“No! Big Wolf! Stop! You’re crushing him!” Chanyeøl let out a squeak, trying to pull the golden retriever back, but Jongdae chuckled with a soft morning smile, and Chanyeøl stopped to look down at him.

“It’s okay. Big Wolf can hug me,” Jongdae closed his eyes again, trying to soak in Big Wolf’s warmth. He didn’t expect it, but this was calming.

He could feel Big Wolf’s wagging tail against his thighs, and after a while, Jongdae opened his eyes again to see Chanyeøl still staring at him from the end of his bed.

“Dae.”

“Yeøl.”

With a blush, Chanyeøl suddenly turned away, stuttering a soft— “I’ll— I’ll go get breakfast for you. Just… play with him… yeah.”

Big Wolf felt him trying to sit up, so he jumped away and run around his bed, watching Jongdae scooting himself up to lean back against the headboard before rushing to push its face onto Jongdae’s laps again.

It took a lot out of him just to sit, so when Chanyeøl came back into the room and found him the way he was, he quickly rushed to his side with the tray.

“Hey, you alright? You didn’t hurt yourself, no?”

Jongdae tried not to be excited when Chanyeøl’s eyes found his and being so, so close. “I’m alright.”

“I’ll help you up next time. Don’t push yourself,” Chanyeøl’s usual frown was back, and it was jarring that without his bruises on his face, his flashy battle clothes, this was still Chanyeøl. 

Jongdae grew soft beneath Chanyeøl’s seemingly angry stare. With a breath. “Okay.”

This time, Jongdae tried to pick up his own spoon, but his arms were still too weak. Before he could drop the spoon, however, Chanyeøl’s hand came to hold his, helping him grip onto the metal. Jongdae let Chanyeøl guide him to feeding himself.

It was warm. A nice kind of warm. With Big Wolf softly huffing on his laps and Chanyeøl holding him, Jongdae thought this was too good to be true, but he let himself enjoy it for now.

It seemed like he couldn’t wake up at this moment, and seeing Chanyeøl’s distressed face and hearing his deep cries were starting to hurt his heart. Perhaps, he was dreaming of Chanyeøl too much, and Jongdae knew it was going to be a problem if he didn’t wake up sooner.

If he kept seeing Chanyeøl everywhere like this, Jongdae knew at one point he wouldn’t want to wake up anymore, he wouldn’t want to go find his teammates anymore.

But Jongdae could do nothing to break away from Chanyeøl or this fairy-tale dream when he lifted him from his bed. Comforting arms embraced him with welcoming affection, setting him down on his wheelchair. Jongdae watched in silence as Chanyeøl set blankets on his laps and gestured for Big Wolf to jump on and curled its big body on his laps. His deep voice asked with concerned if he was— “Feeling okay? Is Big Wolf too heavy like this?”

Jongdae blushed and shook his head gently, ignoring Chanyeøl’s bright blue eyes. “It … feels secure. It’s okay.”

This time, Chanyeol took them to the field of mountain flowers. Big Wolf’s tail wagged so hard that Jongdae had to push him off him to let the golden retriever know he could play if he wanted to, and he did.

The fluffy golden dog ran around them happily before diving into the tall flowers, barking excitedly.

Soon, he felt Chanyeøl stopped moving him, and Jongdae watched the pretty flowers dancing to the morning breeze. So much colour moving before him. If only his teammates were here with him, they could’ve seen so much beauty.

Then, Big Wolf appeared before him again, its mouth filled with flowers, jumping forward to rests its front paws on his laps, dropping the pretty tulips, daisies, wildflowers for him.

“Aw. Thank you, sweet Wolf.” Jongdae petted the golden retriever lovingly for its gifts, drawing the happiest wags out of his tail. Chanyeøl and Kāi did their best training him after all.

Jongdae could feel footsteps behind him stopped, so he turned back to see Chanyeøl quickly hiding a bunch of flowers behind his back. “Oh— um.”

“Do you have something for me, Yeøl?” Jongdae tried to encourage him, but turning back was a lot on his neck, so Jongdae looked forth again.

Though Chanyeøl had been out of his shell, the man was still trying to rid himself of his frustrating personality. Everyone didn’t mind it, of course. They knew what kind of person Chanyeøl was, but Chanyeøl insisted on trying to change for the better, step by step.

Before Jongdae could ask him again, a handful of flowers was in front of his face. Chanyeøl was right behind him, didn’t want to show him his flushed face, and Jongdae accepted graciously, his hands held Chanyeøl’s, leaning into the freshly picked flower, taking in a lungful of a mixture of fragrance and freshly cut grass, mumbling softly into the flowers, “Thank you, Yeøl. They’re beautiful.”

When Jongdae drew his hands back, Chanyeøl gently placed them on top of Big Wolf’s flowers. The golden retriever was still pawing his laps, so Jongdae picked a daisy and put on top of his head.

Big Wolf whined and quickly shook the flower away cutely. Jongdae chuckled at him, picking another daisy, speaking softly “Come on, now. Stay, Wolf Boy.”

The golden retriever barked softly back at him. This time, when Jongdae placed the flower on his head, it didn’t move and let the daisy stay. Big Wolf broke into a big smile, its tongue drooling on the flowers below.

“Good boy, Big Wolf!” Jongdae chuckled brightly this time, his hands came to cup the dog’s jaws and rub his face as a treat.

When he heard a branch broke behind him, Jongdae remembered that Chanyeøl was with them and turned slightly back with a smile, “Yeøl, come here.”

Chanyeøl who was sitting on the grass, throwing rocks into the field of flowers, looked up to him, a strange mix between a sulk and a blush was definitely stuck on his features. It always natural on Chanyeøl’s face though, so Jongdae was happy to see his old habits still around.

“Come here, Yeøl,” with a soft blink in his eyes, Jongdae whispered for him sweetly, and it was enough to get Chanyeøl back on his feet and kneeling on his left beside his wheelchair.

“Hmm?” The annoyed expression was gone, but the burning red on his cheeks was still there as he blinked up at Jongdae with an excitement matching that of a happy dog.

Jongdae smiled, unable to restraint himself from thinking of Chanyeøl that way, and it must have made Chanyeøl more excited as he parted his lips at how Jongdae was smiling. He breathed out and turned to the flowers on his laps, still smiling at Big Wolf keeping his daisy on his head in front of him. Jongdae picked a Baby Blue Eye from the bunch and looked back at Chanyeøl with glee.

It took him seconds to realise, but his excitement drained the closer Jongdae’s hand came to his face. Chanyeøl didn’t try to escape it though. He simply looked unimpressed once Jongdae finished putting the little blue flower behind his big right ear.

“Good boy, Chanyeøl!” Jongdae patted his peach hair gently.

With an annoyed grunt, “I’m… not a dog,” Chanyeol huffed out, blushing with a frown, glaring up at Jongdae with a pout.

Jongdae chuckled gleefully at the grumpy Chanyeøl. No matter how hard Chanyeøl tried to get rid of his confusing traits, they were still there. His hand brushed softly at the hair near the flower. It looked nice on him.

Like this, he didn’t look like an outcast anymore. And if he looked normal—

Chanyeol was dead.

Jongdae hissed, his hands held on to the armrests.

“Jongdae!” Chanyeøl was about to rise from his kneeling, but Jongdae’s left arm reached down to hold on to his shoulder.

“It’s alright…” Jongdae clutched his shoulder, taking in deep breaths. He was starting to realize that it wasn’t just him that was going through this. Chanyeøl had been waiting for him to smile at him for so long, and he couldn’t stop now. He couldn’t keep breaking down like this, not in front of Chanyeøl, not in front of Big Wolf.

Then, Chanyeøl leaned forth to hug his side, and Jongdae melted into his embrace, his right hand lifted to scratch the dog’s neck, trying his best to keep calm. His eyes wandered back to the field of flowers, suddenly spotting his own weakness. It was strange. As much as he wanted to be done with this dream, Jongdae realised he didn’t want to be done with Chanyeøl in this dream. His heart was broken between leaving and staying. He didn’t want to hurt Chanyeøl, but he didn’t want to his team waiting long.

Before long, Jongdae was breathing evenly once more, his left arm draped Chanyeøl’s shoulders for support, his right arm wrapped around Big Wolf that now sat on his laps ignoring the flowers beneath him.

Jongdae was the first to draw back from Chanyeøl. For a second, their eyes met in such a close distance. He thought normal black pupils in Chanyeøl’s blue eyes dilating was absolutely stunning this close.

Then, a snap of a branch broke him out of the stare, Jongdae turned forth, and a familiar figure ran towards them out of the mountain flower field.

“Jongdae! You’re awake!” That bright red mob of hair was glowing underneath the sun. Suhø was finally in front of him shooing Big Wolf out of the way to lean down and hugged him. “Jongdae, Jongdae, Jongdae, Jongdae…”

He could only laugh into Suhø’s embrace, feeling the cool chill of his body against his broken body. Jongdae smiled brighter when Suhø drew back to look at his face, studying him every inch of him.

His eyes were ocean blue.

The blood was gone, no longer bearing the mark of a clone.

Junmyeon was dead.

Before Jongdae could falter before Suhø, the said man hugged him again tightly, and Jongdae returned the same desperate embrace. It must have sent something towards Suhø because he was suddenly soothing his back with his familiar hands, whispering soft blurts of happiness that Jongdae was here with him, irritated that he thought someone ruined his field of flowers, but pleased that the shenanigans were all for Jongdae.

When Suhø drew back, he kneeled in front of Jongdae like Chanyeøl on his left. Big Wolf didn’t want to be left out, so he pawed at his right armrest.

“Don’t worry about picking them, Jongdae-ah. It’s all ours,” Suhø smiled brightly up at Jongdae. “I’ll be staying down here and look after them for a while before I can visit you guys. Growing flowers on a mountain is quite a challenge.”

Jongdae smiled at Suhø’s hands that held on his thighs, holding Suhø’s back. “And you’re never one to fail such things.”

As they waved goodbye at Suhø from afar, Jongdae watched Big Wolf sniffed the greenery before them, somehow managing to keep the little daisy on top of his head throughout it all. The forest and he listened to Chanyeøl’s deep voice telling them of Suhø’s and Baëkhyun’s efforts in trying to put flowers and trees on every inch of the mountain along with Sehůn’s and Kāi’s looking after the wild animals that were migrating to live on this mountain.

So it must have been Suhø that found him in that waterfall full of blood then. They were around the mountain, of course, they would know where he would be no matter how hard he tried to run.

“It was barebones when we came here,” Jongdae peeked back at Chanyeøl’s fingers at the push handle. There was a sudden urge to replicate his dreams of Chanyeøl, but Jongdae sighed and watched their golden retriever’s tail wag in front of him. “It was hard trying to bring the dirt back to life, but once we got the hang of it, it was quite easy. Nature just takes over for the most parts.”

Jongdae then noticed that Chanyeøl didn’t mention any other.

So there were only six of them left.

The rest was—

Arms suddenly wrapped around his shoulders. Soft lips pressed against his temple on his right. Sturdy chest pushed against his back.

“Dae…” a whisper, gentle, breathless, warm. “What is it … that you want to do… now that we’re here?” each word was chosen with quiet contemplation.

Jongdae shivered when Chanyeøl held him closer, his big arms swallowing his smaller shoulders whole, his slow breathing tickling his lashes, his heart beat right against Jongdae’s.

“Whatever you want to do, Dae… I’ll follow,” Chanyeøl’s voice was firm with this promise, his cheeks nuzzled against long wild hair.

Jongdae didn’t answer.

Was he supposed to speak of the palpable tension that kept him hanging on this thread?

Point out how his wounds took so long to heal without Yixing’s hands against his tattered skin?

Talk about how Jongin would have just drawn so many bears on those blank white casts he had long ago?

Or should he tell Chanyeøl that his food was nothing like Kyungsoo’s particular brand of homemade?

Shove Chanyeøl’s face into the fact that Junmyeon could’ve watered those flowers better?

The feelings he couldn’t speak of, he could’ve spilt them all to Minseok who would’ve told him what to do.

With Sehun near, he could’ve stolen his tiny hyung and cuddled with him for days on end.

Baekhyun would have known how to avoid this conversation.

Chanyeol wouldn’t have said anything in the first place.

And Chën… his best friend… would have answered for him.

Jongdae didn’t know what to say, watching the birds flew past them, staring at the run growing higher in the afternoon.

But Jongdae should’ve known that his silence was enough an answer that Chanyeøl expected. That his silence was enough to let Chanyeøl know what he was thinking.

His cheek was wet of Chanyeøl’s quiet tears.

Chanyeøl knew Jongdae couldn’t handle seeing him breaking this way, holding him from behind, letting Jongdae off easy. Because Chanyeøl knew that he himself was asking too much of Jongdae despite knowing exactly what Jongdae’s answer was, and yet Chanyeøl persisted.

All he said was “I’ll stay with you. I’ll wait for you, Dae.”

Chanyeøl only spoke of what he would do for him.

Chanyeøl made no move to tell him what to do.

 _“Please… please don’t leave me…”_ Chanyeøl hiccupped through his pleas, holding him firmly in his laps, pressing his head against his broken heart. Blood everywhere, choking in his throat, filling up his vision. The calming crackling of fire calming his wired senses. _“You promise you’d stay. You have to stay!”_

He blinked away the red, trying to focus on Chanyeøl’s wet tears seeping into his wounds, keeping him awake.

_“I don’t want to be alone… not without you… not without you… you can’t leave me. Not you.”_

He chuckled at the demands, ignoring the blood filling his lungs, his hand reaching up to trace his cheek, cupping that handsome face he’d loved for so long.

“Don’t cry, Yeøl-ah… it doesn’t suit you,” Jongdae reached back with his right hand, letting his bandages soak up Chanyeøl’s tears. It suited Chanyeol more, but he couldn’t say his name out loud with Chanyeøl here.

Chanyeøl made no effort to speak of more.

Or rather, Chanyeøl, left with no more effort, spoke of nothing.

Jongdae wasn’t quite sure which was true. 

The way home was long and filled with only excited yelps of their golden retriever.

It was a surprise to see that Baby Blue Eye Chanyeøl still wore on his right ear as he leaned down to carry him up to his bed. Warm embrace flooded his tired mind with memories of the mountain flowers dancing behind a bright smile that waited for his words.

When Big Wolf came up to lay its head on his chest, Jongdae felt a lot more tired than he realised, slowly slipping into another dream. Soft lips against his forehead were the last thing he remembered before he saw only darkness awaited him.

 _“Really?”_ Sehůn was more than apathetic to the news.

 _“Yes, really,”_ he stuck his tongue out at the younger. 

_“We have a dog,”_ Sehůn added unhelpfully.

 _“Umm-hmm!”_ he smiled at the little puppy trying to climb on his laps, sending him smooching noises, encouraging him. _“You can do it, Big Wolf—”_

_“And you call it Big Wolf?”_

He shrugged, pointing at the perpetrator, the one who started it all at the end of the room, sulking alone like always. _“Don’t question me! It’s his puppy! He named it!”_

Sehůn blinked once and turned to Chanyeøl who was still trying to suture his own wounds.

 _“Hey! It was you who suggested it!”_ Chanyeøl grunted at both him and the stab into his own stomach. _“You said it was menacing!”_

He gasped at Big Wolf finally perched on his lap and rested peacefully there. _“Yes! Menacingly cute just like its daddy.”_

_“Shut up—”_

Kāi suddenly burst into their refuge with the others all heavily injured—

_“Where’s—”_

_“Yixing’s dead.”_

Jongdae heaved in a heavy breath, eyes threatening to well up the moment he opened them.

It took him a long quiet moment to breathe steadily again.

It was dawn at this moment as he adjusted his eyes. The soft glow of the morning filling room. To his right, Chanyeøl’s cherry blossom hair spilt onto his blanket as he slept sitting on his chair and resting his body on the bed. At the end of his bed were Big Wolf’s soft snores rumbling into the mattress.

His long hair was poking his eyes and tickling his neck uncomfortably. He tried to ignore it, but it had been bothering him since he woke up, and now he just had to get rid of it.

Jongdae tried his best to sit up and stand up on his own. It was straining. It took so much just one slow tiny step, but he didn’t complain. 

Jongdae wandered to the kitchen cabinet trying to find something to cut his long hair, and so he opened the first drawer, found extra forks, spoons and cups, opened the second drawer, noticed a pair of scissors amongst different blades and knives.

Soon, he found his way to the bathroom and flickered the lights on, where, for the first time, Jongdae looked at himself.

A deep cut right above his left side of the forehead that even his long hair couldn’t cover, the place where he hit the rock below the waterfall. Pale lifeless face and sharp bones wearing his skin uncomfortably. Dark brown eyes that saw too much, silently asking to make it all stop. His dark long hair curled around his neck tracing his collarbones like a thin mullet, wishing they were poisonous vines tightening around his airways.

Jongdae breathed, and his left hand traced his long locks while his right hand’s fingers sat in the holes of the scissors comfortably.

Then, Jongdae looked down at the blades glinting underneath the bathroom’s light.

As soon he tightened his grip, his hand started shaking.

The scissors were sharp.

It would be so easy.

One careless snip, and he would no longer be plaguing this perfect fairy-tale with his unwelcomed presence.

He would back in battle with his members as if nothing happened—

A large hand took his wrist.

It was Chanyeøl’s.

“Morning, Dae… You’re up early today,” Chanyeøl smiled sleepily at him through the mirror, his hair a messy mob of gleaming pink.

Jongdae stared blankly at his blue eyes glowing beneath the fluorescent light. His body was so much bigger with so much more flesh, unlike his bony stature, Jongdae noticed.

“You should’ve told me sooner that you wanted a haircut,” Chanyeøl took the scissors out of his sight in one swift movement. “I’ve been cutting my own hair and the other’s too, you know?”

“… I didn’t know,” Jongdae whispered weakly.

Chanyeøl chuckled. His free hand now roamed around Jongdae’s locks, his fingers tender with each stroke. “Is there a particular look you’re going for?”

“… I don’t know,” Jongdae’s hand felt limp in Chanyeøl’s hold.

“That’s okay. I know what to do with this,” Chanyeøl smiled into the mirror, the warmest look he gave Jongdae yet. “Let me go get you a chair, okay?”

“… okay.”

Jongdae leaned against the sink, his hands trembling trying to keep himself up. Strange that now his muscles stopped working after all of this. Chanyeøl was quick to enter the bathroom once more.

Quietly Jongdae followed Chanyeøl’s lead, sitting down and staying upright in his seat. Chanyeøl gently draped a towel around his neck and started cutting without any other preparation, knowing Jongdae couldn’t probably handle this for too long. With a comb, he felt around his hair and snipped, snipped, snipped. Jongdae knew this shrill sound of blades slicing across each other all too well, but this time, it was comforting.

“And done!” Chanyeøl smiled from above. His short bangs were soft on his forehead. His ears were in view. His hair no longer poked at his skin in the shoulders. He looked like a child. “How is it?” Chanyeøl’s brows raised, faithful blue eyes shining.

A stranger was reflected in the mirror.

It was a carcass he’d left to rot in the battlefield.

“It’s handsome,” Jongdae smiled brightly. “Thank you, Yeøl.”

“I’m always here to help,” Chanyeøl replied without hesitation. “Would you like to take a bath now that we’re here?”

“That sounds wonderful,” Jongdae’s ears perked at the offer. He hadn’t had a clean bath since he flowed down that waterfall.

By the time Jongdae was in a warm bath, the sun was higher up. Chanyeøl had gone to make breakfast. Big Wolf came into the tub, jumping at Jongdae, slipping into it, drawing a shocked gasp out of him, alerting Chanyeøl, shaking off its wet fur as a welcoming gift for Chanyeøl when he re-entered the bathroom.

The water was nice on his skin. Jongdae felt his muscles move and relax, laughing freely without pretence when Big Wolf ran off into the living room still dripping with so much water, forcing Chanyeøl into a chase. Jongdae could only hear the ruckus from so far, things toppled, annoyed grunts, happy barks, metal clanked. This wasn’t all too bad, he thought.

For the first time, Jongdae had enough strength to see himself through to the evening, sitting by the pond with Chanyeøl and Big Wolf after breakfast, breathing in the mountain flowers with Chanyeøl and Big Wolf after lunch. Chanyeøl didn’t speak of anything other than asking if Jongdae wanted to stay a little while longer or leave. Jongdae knew Chanyeøl didn’t have to add more for the question to make sense.

The evening lavender sky loomed over the mountain. Chanyeøl and Big Wolf still gave him flowers before they leave, and Jongdae still put flowers on them. Chanyeøl was hesitant, but he offered a daffodil and put on Jongdae as well. And it made him felt like a lost boy in a fairy forest when the fireflies surround them as Chanyeøl kneeled before him with moonlit blue eyes, soft blue bellflower in both his big ears.

Jongdae smiled from his heart that ached with reluctance as Chanyeøl’s visible struggle between taking off Jongdae’s flowers and keeping them flickered underneath the fireflies’ glow, and Jongdae knew that both acts were out of endearment and embarrassment.

This wasn’t the fall Jongdae wanted.

 _“We shouldn’t be doing this,”_ Chanyeøl growled lowly, yet it was Chanyeøl that crowded him in the elevator.

 _“As cheesy as I may sound, Big Alpha Boy, if we don’t try it, we are going to regret it,”_ he whispered, staring contentedly at the bloodied lips that had been taunting him all this time. _“Our lives are constantly revolving around bloodshed, might as well take a breather once in a while.”_

Chanyeøl huffed, eyes flared red for a moment before he turned away and let the air cool down again. _“It’s precisely why we can’t do it. It’s a weakness in battle.”_

He stared at the broader shoulders for the longest time, didn’t say anything, tracing the bloodied pink locks underneath flickering light, the open flesh wound on his back. He sighed and placed on a hand on Chanyeøl’s back, searing the heat into his flesh, closing the wound steadily, ignoring Chanyeøl’s pained grunts throughout all of it.

Stepping over the three dead bodies, he stood beside Chanyeøl, looking up at the numbers going down.

3 floors left.

 _“You’re as stubborn as ever,”_ he heaved a dramatic sigh. _“You do know that the others do it, too, and they’re all still alive.”_ He knew that Chanyeøl claimed to not care about the originals, but still he kept it to himself.

2 floors left.

Chanyeøl didn’t need to know about Yixing, Kyungsoo and Minseok. At least not now.

_“Though I suppose it’s why you’re still breathing.”_

1 floor left.

Chanyeøl scoffed beside him and brisked past him the moment the elevator opened.

He stepped out slow, looked to his left, watched Chanyeøl’s fire slowly fade away as he disappeared from his sight.

A flash of lightning, and he felt a presence behind him.

_“Did he notice anything?”_

He couldn’t help bursting into a peal of empty laughter. _“Of course, he didn’t,”_ he ignored his heart’s little ache. _“Even if I say it in front of his face, he wouldn’t believe it, but that is expected of a fearsome creature. Usually, they’re very stupid.”_

_“You’re a fearsome creature, too.”_

_“Well, usually, I said. I’m a creature of a higher calibre.”_

A burst of very bright and joyful laughter, one that he couldn’t offer back with the same authenticity. When a hand placed firmly on his shoulder, he turned back to see those familiar curls in his lips.

_“Don’t worry.”_

He held back a tired sigh at the remark.

Jongdae smiled at him so radiantly, so handsomely that he felt the morning dews blurring in his eyes. It was the same smile that Chanyeøl wore when he first held his puppy he found underneath all that rubble.

_“We’ll all make it through this.”_

He stepped forth past those innocent curls in Jongdae’s lips, didn’t want Jongdae to catch on.

Jongdae didn’t need to know that only one would make it out alive tonight. At least not now.

 _“Oh, it’s not Chanyeøl I worry about,”_ A confident lie was what he could only offer.

He felt Jongdae’s energy building up alongside his, and only now did he wait for Jongdae to stand beside him. _“Really?”_

 _“It’s you I worry about,”_ The only truth that mattered. _“You never seem to believe me when I say this, but I know you are going to get along great after this is all over.”_

_“Not this again—”_

_“I know more than I let on, pretty boy. Despite the glaring differences, you’re both recluses, perfectly soft on the inside, have the heart of the size of the expanding universe, love to blame yourselves, doesn’t believe anything I say—”_

He wanted to add more, but the moment he looked back at Jongdae, the kid was a blushing mess. _“Shut up. He’s— Shut up.”_

_“How many times to do I have to lecture you about the many advantages to being in a three—”_

The next moment he was flown across the pavement.

_“You know, for a hermit who refuses to admire the fine art of copulation, you sure like to electrocute me in the—”_

“Dae.”

Jongdae looked to his right side. Chanyeøl climbed on the bed, lying beside him, sharing a blanket with him. He tried to ignore the way his heart shivered when Chanyeøl’s hand slid across his stomach. The warmth settled in quick. The past nights had been missing this warmth Jongdae didn’t realize, and it only hurt him more, seeing that conflicted look in Chanyeøl’s blue eyes as he stared unabashedly down at Jongdae.

“Yeøl.”

He closed his eyes, leaning into the sturdy chest. He couldn’t keep staring at those lips, those eyes, not when they were lit so prettily by moonlight.

Jongdae wanted so bad to say that Chën was wrong about everything, that he was nothing like Chën had thought of, that he had turned out to be so broken and undeserving of anything, that all of this was—

“Painful…” Chanyeøl whispered into his hair. “It’s starting to be painful now. I’ve been sleeping in the chair a little too long… it’s finally catching up to me.”

Jongdae chuckled and slid his left arm over Chanyeøl’s torso as well, not saying anything about the goosebumps he felt beneath his pads. “How long have you been sleeping like that?”

A silence filled with the distant croaking of the little creatures of the mountain at night.

Chanyeøl was thinking if he should tell Jongdae the truth.

“Two years.”

Jongdae was in bed.

Chanyeøl slept in his chair beside him.

The others brought the mountain back to life.

“Two years?” Jongdae’s voice wavered. “That… is really bad for your spine.”

“Hmm.” Chanyeøl’s palm was warm on his waist as his fingers unconsciously patted his back. “Should’ve realized a little sooner, shouldn’t I?”

The scissors were the tipping point.

Jongdae could feel each shaky breath Chanyeøl took of him was a regretful reminder of what could’ve been.

Chën was right.

Chën was always right.

After all, Chën was the one rock they both leaned on, and the fall was inevitable when he disappeared. Chën always knew Jongdae’s heart would shatter upon impact once pushed to the limit, and Chën always knew Chanyeøl’s heart would withstand, always mending itself no matter how small the pieces of his heart were broken into.

Chën always knew this was going to happen because when Chanyeøl held him closer, Jongdae didn’t push him away even though he had enough strength to do so.

Filling Jongdae’s vacant dreams with Chanyeøl bits by bits. Knowing Chanyeøl would fill Jongdae’s vacant heart with himself. Suffocating Jongdae with Chanyeøl every second. If Jongdae didn’t sleep, Chanyeøl was in front of him. If Jongdae slept, Chanyeøl was in front of him.

This was the fall Chën wanted.

“Is it too late?” Jongdae asked, starting to realize the same thing Chanyeøl was going through, no longer wanting to pretend that he didn’t hear how his own heart was drumming despite being so broken.

“… don’t worry,” Jongdae could hear the smile in his deep midnight voice. “My vertebrae are quite tough.”

“The constant cracks I hear every time you move are telling me otherwise.” Jongdae didn’t mention the rapid beats he heard every time Chanyeøl felt his lips smile right above his heart, but that didn’t need to be said.

“While you and I were sleeping, they were watching Karate Kid. I can feel it in my bones.”

“I don’t think the pain will go away that easily,” Jongdae was busy laughing a little too hard with Chanyeøl to realise what he had said.

“It’s okay. Chronic back pain isn’t going to kill me,” Chanyeøl was gentle. He didn’t push. He didn’t pull. His lips didn’t press closer. His hold didn’t tighten to where Jongdae couldn’t break out. But Chanyeøl was right beside him, his gestures firm, letting Jongdae feel how safe he was and how much safer he could be. “Living with it… is something we all have to go through.”

“No. _You’re_ going through it. I’m not.”

“Touché.”

 _“Well, well, well... there is no need to resist,”_ his fingers hooked into dirty bloodied pink hair. His hand bore down heavily onto Chanyeøl’s, keeping his handsome face squashed in the dirt.

Chanyeøl kept on struggling beneath his hold, and he chuckled when Chanyeøl growled at him.

The tidal waves kept on coming as he sent heavy jolts of lightning down his head through his body, shocking Chanyeøl into a writhing mess. Strangled grunts, broken screams, splattering drools, foams spilling from his torn lips, fiery eyes filled with overwhelming want to kill his captor with intent.

 _“There, there,”_ he muttered as Chanyeøl no longer made any noise, stopping all his energy from flowing altogether. If Jongdae had been here, things would have been so much easier.

Pushing Chanyeøl to lay on his back, checking his pulse, he sighed at the bloodied mess before him. He picked the taller man into his arms and put him back on his bed, taking off all the clothes for him.

As he cleaned his face of dirt and blood, he sensed no more stress from Chanyeøl’s muscles, feeling the flame settle down in his stomach.

He himself got up to change, but a hand caught his wrist, and he looked back to now gentle blue eyes watching expectantly.

_“What?”_

Chanyeøl didn’t say anything. All he did was tightening his grip and pulling him back.

Jongdae hiccupped the moment he awakened, blinking away all semblance of sleep, sensing immense fire burning in his ears.

Of all the things Chën decided to show him…

Deep breaths Jongdae took as he patted his own cheeks.

Then, Jongdae realized he was in a moonlit room.

It was still night.

He looked to the right side of the bed, emptiness laid beside him.

He was about to call out to Chanyeøl when he sat up and found—

A fluffy mob of pink poked out from below the right of the bed.

Chanyeøl was sitting on the floor, eyes blank, staring up at Jongdae dumbfounded.

“Bad dream, huh?” a deep tired or perhaps pained voice asked him.

Jongdae blinked, feeling his ears burn at the question. He looked away, hand shyly scratching his nape. “It’s… nothing.”

The lights were on.

Jongdae noticed Big Wolf hadn’t noticed their commotion at all, still kicking its hind legs softly in its dreams at the foot of the bed.

“I’ll go get you something to drink.”

He wanted to stop Chanyeøl, but he was already stepping away and out of sight. He didn’t remember himself being so violent in his sleep, but… it just happened to be that way at this moment.

Once Chanyeøl came back, Jongdae drank the water with little resistance, abashedly staring at anything else but Chanyeøl. 

It was too quiet, but then, Chanyeøl gently patted his shoulder.

“If you ever need to talk about… anything, I’m always here, listening, okay?”

With that, Jongdae grew soft underneath his touch, muscles no longer tensed. He waited until Chanyeøl settled next to him and took away his cup before offering some kind of explanation.

“I… well…” he couldn’t say what he was dreaming of, obviously, but he could offer the truth. “I’ve never shared a bed with anyone before.”

Chanyeøl blinked, and Jongdae could see his big ears widened even bigger.

“I’ve always slept alone, so…” Jongdae sniffled, scratching his own head, scratching his collarbones. “I’m sorry about earlier.” After all, he did kick Chanyeøl right out of the bed. 

“Oh— Oh, okay,” Chanyeøl looked away and nodded. “Sure— don’t worry. Don’t be sorry.”

Another beat of silence.

Chanyeøl was sitting an arms-length away from him, and he tried not to be sad about it. Again, he kicked Chanyeøl out of the bed. His fault.

“I should’ve asked earlier then,” Chanyeøl looked back to him, a kicked puppy expression rivalling that of Big Wolf’s. “Are you comfortable if I sleep next to you?”

“Of course, I am! You didn’t do anything wrong!” Jongdae’s hands went up to Chanyeøl’s face, waving profusely, and he knew he was being too enthusiastic, but he didn’t want to send Chanyeøl the wrong ideas either. “It’s … it’s…”

After seeing so much of Chanyeøl, remembering so much of Chën, recollecting his responsibilities, Jongdae was now seeing himself making excuses to stop himself from escaping everything. As difficult as it was to keep being reminded of the past, Jongdae also realised that it wasn’t only he that had suffered the loss. In these few days that he’d stayed in this mountain, Jongdae saw how desperate Chanyeøl was in keeping him around. And though he hadn’t met the others as much, from the way Chanyeøl had told Jongdae of their adventures on this mountain, it seemed that they were just as desperate to cling on to him. Jongdae sighed. These clones still care for him so much.

Jongdae didn’t know what to decide, but he knew one thing for sure.

Chanyeøl made a move to scoot himself off the bed.

“I can sleep on the chair again, it’s—”

Jongdae’s right hand reached out, catching the hem of Chanyeøl’s shirt.

“No…” he looked to their dog at the foot of the bed.

For a moment longer, Chanyeøl’s hand held his, and Jongdae looked back to him now smiling softly in their little cottage up on the mountain. “Okay.”

When they both settled back in their hold, Jongdae pressed himself closer to Chanyeøl, mumbling shyly, “I like it better like this.”

And Jongdae could feel Chanyeøl’s body just burn up. He couldn’t hold back a bright chuckle into Chanyeøl’s chest and looked up to blue eyes already watching him unblinking, perhaps trying to savour Jongdae’s little laugh.

“Yeøl… stop that… it’s getting too hot,” Jongdae tried to pull back, but Chanyeøl held him close.

This time, he didn’t restrain himself, hugging Jongdae with everything he had.


	2. Chapter 2

_“I usually do this with Minseok…”_ Jongdae fidgeted in his seat, his ears red, his hands fiddling, his hair curly and messy. This big tree shading them really did build up a very romantic scene. Jongdae was just too adorable.

 _“You don’t need to be shy,”_ he laid on his back, his legs crossed, his head resting on his left forearm, his eyes staring up the sun rays peeking through the swaying leaves. All he needed now was a bunch of falling flower petals, and Jongdae would be the ultimate bashful protagonist.

Jongdae hugged his knees closer, _“Well, everyone has their pairs in the team…”_ he started softly, his hands now poking unconsciously at his boots. _“I don’t mind being alone, of course. I support all of them together. I don’t want to interfere at all. it’s just…”_

He looked at Jongdae’s flushed face. He was the only one who stood alone and stayed in his own room. Usually, this wasn’t allowed, but for the purpose of bonding, each pair was to stay in their rooms once they had reached an agreement. It worked both ways for the clones and the originals.

However, now that they joined hands, something else emerged. Bonding with your original was different and blissfully satisfying. He and Jongdae were different from the rest. Whereas the others met their own clones and became confrontational, he and Jongdae had been serene. They were the sole reason why they all became one after being initially separated.

The first time he set eyes on Jongdae, his storms settled so easily, and the moment they touched, every single current in his body stilled and nullified. He still remembered that day they first met when the storm raged on behind them as they sat quietly across from one another, bathing in the crackling campfire and the sound of their storms tangling with one another in the distance, soaking in each other’s peaceful presence.

Even now as Jongdae flicked the strands in his dark playfully, he felt content just letting Jongdae do whatever he wanted, a warm sense of peace settled happily in his belly.

 _“Jongdae?”_ he’d been quiet for too long now. _“What is it now?”_

 _“Oh, it’s nothing,”_ Jongdae chuckled shyly. _“It’s just that it’s a little overwhelming hearing them. That’s all.”_

_“Oh.”_

_“I don’t want anything to change!”_ Jongdae quickly added. _“I … just want to someone to hear me out… and well, I should be talking with Minseok about this stuff, but I’d feel like burdening him.”_

He nodded. A strange pair that Minseok and Chanyeol, but they worked out somehow.

Jongdae was too understanding at this point, but it was the same reason why he loved him anyway.

_“At least, you don’t see it?”_

_“Oh, yeah. They don’t do out in the living room, no.”_

Well, Jongdae should be glad he wasn’t in the clones’ space then.

Then, Jongdae stopped combing his hair, and he raised a brow at him. _“I can see that it’s not the only problem you’re trying to convey.”_

 _“It’s not a problem. I just … don’t want to keep it to myself,” Jongdae_ smiled warmly back down at him, and he returned a lopsided smile of his own.

_“I’m listening, my pretty.”_

Jongdae chuckled, _“Well… it’s embarrassing, but… I’ve never kissed anyone before.”_

At that moment, he could see the brightest halo just appeared above Jongdae’s pretty blushing face and a set of the whitest, purest wings just popped right behind his back.

_“I thought I didn’t have to speak out to anyone about this, but Jongin asked who my first kiss was the other day out of the blue, and I panicked…”_

_“Oh,”_ so that was why a sudden storm just broke out in the middle of the hottest day while the sun was still shining. _“Did you tell them anything?”_

_“No. I threatened to strike all of them with my lightning.”_

_“Oh,”_ so that was why there was a thunder roaring so loud it almost broke off his eardrums even from so far away. He chuckled, _“And everyone thought you are the kindest of them all. I suppose kindness does come with a price.”_

_“I’ve never been with anyone before, so I guess I overreacted when Jongin asked. Everyone had their other already, so… it’s kind of embarrassing to tell them.”_

Suddenly, he was on a fluffy cloud with the sun shining from the horizon, and Jongdae was his salvation. A very _very_ pure boy held on to him. Jongdae was the purest boy. His heart was suddenly drumming out of joy. He didn’t realise this was a thing he needed in his life, but Jongdae being the ultimate ruthless killing machine with the purest essence of innocence just fit so perfectly in his heart. And were those angelic orchestra playing in the background—

 _“Hey— hey, Chën, you’re bleeding.”_ Jongdae’s eyes were wide and blinking.

He rolled his eyes at the insult at his trait, _“I’m always bleeding, Dae. I should be extremely upset by such remarks, but you’re an exception, so I’ll let this one slide.”_

_“No, you’re bleeding from your nose.”_

Jongdae opened his eyes with a breathy groan. And then, Jongdae looked up to see Chanyeøl’s big blue eyes staring down at him worriedly.

“Dae, are you okay?”

It was morning already, and Jongdae nodded weakly. “Yeah, just… a weird dream.”

“Okay,” Chanyeøl didn’t look convinced, but he helped Jongdae up with the help of Big Wolf licking his face and waking him up further. “Do you want to try and take a shower today?”

Jongdae nodded, but once he was in the bathroom, he quickly looked away from the mirror, his ears burning. He let Chanyeøl hold him in his sleep for one night, and this was how Chën’s memories reacted?

As Chanyeøl helped him with his clothes and sat him on a chair, washing his hair and his body quietly, Jongdae recounted the memories in his mind. Chanyeøl’s touch had always been so gentle with him the moment he woke up or as he had told him, for two years, since the war was over, Chanyeøl had always cared for him. The loss had consumed him so much so that all he could think about was running away from everything, and yet Chën and everyone else was still trying to keep his heart beating.

Chanyeøl’s fingers worked through the muscles in his head and then his shoulders, massaging him intently.

All Jongdae had done for them was giving them pain and worry.

Jongdae’s fingers curled shamefully on his thighs, but Chanyeøl’s fingers came to hold his, gently guiding him to open up his palm. With both hands, Chanyeøl kneading his left palm thoroughly, and from time to time, he watched Jongdae closely, trying to spot any discomfort. He pulled and strengthened the bones in his fingers, and Jongdae felt a ton was lifted from his heart. Then, he curled his fingers around Jongdae wrist, squeeze, and knead, pressing into the muscles of his forearms up to his shoulder before doing the same to his right hand.

“For now,” Chanyeøl then washed Jongdae up. “I’ll work on your back and your legs after breakfast, okay?”

“Okay,” A content smile he offered Chanyeøl who flushed in return.

This time when the mirror was in his sight, Jongdae walked up to it, ignoring Chanyeøl’s question.

Jongdae stared at himself for a moment before closing his eyes. He tried to focus on Chën’s memories of him. He’d always thought of Jongdae fondly, and for the first time, Jongdae felt his heart beat alongside his as if Chën was trying his best to revive him.

For the first time, he sensed a different rhythm in his heart that didn’t belong to him, always there to pull Jongdae back whenever he struggled to stay afloat.

He opened his eyes, sharpened his gaze, and quirked at his brows. With the best confident smile, Jongdae curled his lips into a smirk.

A familiar face was reflected in the mirror.

It was his best friend he’d left in his heart to hold.

“Dae…”

Jongdae finally noticed Chanyeøl’s reflection staring at him with a shaken expression in his wavering blue eyes. He quickly lost Chën’s persona and turned back to Chanyeøl whose eyes were slowly welling up with tears.

Of course, to Jongdae, Chën was everything, but to Chanyeøl, Chën was _more_.

The words he failed to say spilt from his quivering lips, “I miss him.”

The moment the words left Jongdae’s mouth, Chanyeøl burst into a broken sob.

Jongdae was there, wrapping his arms around his shivering shoulders, holding Chanyeøl’s shaking body against his own. And this time, Jongdae didn’t hold his tears back either, letting them flow quietly, soaking Chanyeøl’s shirt, while Chanyeøl painfully cried into his smaller shoulder, unable to hug Jongdae back in his state.

How long had Chanyeøl waited for Jongdae to say it?

Jongdae had been hurting everyone so much, and all of his persistence in trying to wake up blinded him from seeing Chanyeøl. Chanyeøl had been awake all of this time, and he had been holding back despite how much he wanted to let out, waiting for Jongdae. Jongdae only remembered his own pain and not of others.

Then, they were sitting on the bathroom floor, hiccupping quietly in each other’s arms, patting each other’s backs through all of it.

When Jongdae finally pulled back, he sat there and stared into Chanyeøl’s reddened and puffy blue eyes, tearstained cheeks glowing in the pale bathroom light. His thumbs gently swiped across his cheeks, holding his face steady, breathing with him. Chanyeøl gulped and finally had the strength in his arms to hold Jongdae’s face as well, wiping his tears away, brushing his strands and watching them fall back on his forehead.

“I… miss him,” Jongdae just couldn’t stop his tears when he said it again. “I miss everyone.”

“I know, I know,” Chanyeøl breathed harshly through his lips and pressed his forehead against his. “I miss him. I miss everyone.”

Jongdae blinked as Chanyeøl leaned back to gaze at every inch of his face, his fingers tracing his features tenderly.

“And… I miss you the most, Dae,” Chanyeøl whispered. “I miss you so much, Dae. I—” Chanyeøl struggled to breathe in, heaving a shaky breath in with a hiccup, “I shouldn’t be greedy— I shouldn’t say it again, it—” he breathed in again and with a pained rasp in his breath, “It didn’t work the first time—” Jongdae couldn’t be the strong one for Chanyeøl, simply breaking with him, crying with him. “I don’t want you to go… I don’t want you to leave…”

Jongdae didn’t know how to answer still, but he pulled Chanyeøl back into him.

It was a long morning, eating through tear-stained eyes.

Chanyeøl brought him back to the pond, where he led Jongdae to sit at the edge, helping him rest his legs in the water. Jongdae didn’t even have the time to think when Chanyeøl just walked into the pond, ignoring his own clothes getting drenched.

As Chanyeøl floated amongst the lily pads and tiny little fish, he pulled gently at Jongdae’s left leg. Jongdae could see Chanyeøl’s hands working into his toes just below the surface while the heel of his foot was getting munched on by the fish. The forest was rustling peacefully while Chanyeøl kneaded and mould his feet before taking a hold of his ankle and twisting it around gently underneath the cool and calming water.

Jongdae couldn’t help a chuckle when a blue butterfly rested its wings on Chanyeøl’s fluffy pink hair. Chanyeøl raised a brow and looked into his own reflection in the water. With an annoyed huff, Chanyeøl shook his fluffy head cutely, scaring the butterfly away.

Once Chanyeøl finished massaging up his calves to his knees, he let go of his left leg and continued with his right leg.

“Yeøl,” Jongdae whispered, watching the water rippled with Chanyeøl’s every little movement. “I… want to walk.”

Chanyeøl stared up at him then.

He didn’t say it, but the last time he was able to walk somewhat properly, he ended up in the waterfalls. Perhaps, it was why it took Chanyeøl long to answer.

His lips broke into a soft smile, however. “Of course,” Chanyeøl blinked slowly with quiet resolve, his dull blue eyes now threatening to turn red. With a breath, Chanyeøl looked around the water he was in, hiding his face. “We’ll walk in this pond tomorrow. Today… you need some rest.”

“Okay.”

While the silence turned uncomfortable, Jongdae felt something else just sizzling on his skin around them all of a sudden, and to his left, a familiar face smiled so close to him, taking all of the personal space he had, making Jongdae completely forgetting where they were.

Dark shiny hair soft prickling Jongdae’s forehead, dark brown eyes staring right into Jongdae’s surprised ones.

“I was supposed to wait, but I don’t think I can,” Sehůn smiled and closed the distance between them, embracing Jongdae in a firm embrace.

Was his mind playing tricks on him? Because like this… Jongdae lifted his hand to trace Sehůn’s short dark hair. Chanyeøl only mentioned Sehůn, but just like this, he felt like Sehun, looked like Sehun.

Jongdae didn’t want to think about it anymore who was dead, who was alive. He focused on the warmth on his body and the cool water submerging his legs.

When they parted, Jongdae could no longer see Chanyeøl around. A look of confusion quickly prompted Sehůn’s answer. “He’s getting changed,” Sehůn simply added and his helping hand pulled him up from the pond. “Is it alright if I take you down to the farm?”

It was so sudden. Jongdae was still in shock, staring at Sehůn silently as he picked him and placed him on the wheelchair. As Sehůn dried his legs for him, he looked up with his chocolate eyes cutely blinking and tilting his head.

“Hyung?”

“Oh… right,” Jongdae said mindlessly. “What about Yeøl?”

Sehůn stood up and placed his blankets on his legs. “He’s getting changed, hyung. Kāi also… have some business with him.”

“Right, right,” Jongdae shook himself out of the trance, but Sehůn didn’t seem to mind and leaned into him for another hug, to which Jongdae responded in kind with as much desperation. “Hůn…”

“I’ve always wanted to show you what we’ve done with the mountain so far,” Sehůn whispered in his nape. “I’ve been waiting for you to wake up and see.”

Jongdae held back the visions in his mind, focusing on Sehůn and Big Wolf now leading him down the other side of the mountain he hadn’t seen.

Sehůn talked to him as if he hadn’t slept all this time, filling him in of how they were evacuated here, how this place had become a sanctuary for them, and how they turned this sanctuary into one of nature as well. And Jongdae was greeted with a sight so beautiful that he just couldn’t hold his tears back.

There were so many types of plants, fruits, vegetable, flowers, everything his eyes could see blended like a wild composition between all colours existing upon a single canvas.

“We’ve been trying to farm here,” as they descended the slope of the area, Sehůn had him on a piggyback as he held the folded wheelchair in his arms. “I’ve been looking into how to turn this into a self-sustaining farm, so far… it still needs a lot of work.”

Rows and rows of different plants growing together, mixing up the ecology, filling the land with life and nutrition so much so that Jongdae could smell how earthy and overwhelming the dirt was, compared to the living forest mountain.

Sehůn placed him on the land and Jongdae took his feet off his slippers, digging his toes into the dirt that was filled with grass and little wildflowers. The soil beneath him was so soft and alive. Jongdae didn’t even have to kick at the dirt to make a dent. He could feel the air breathing life into the dirt.

Then, Jongdae was wheeled in between rows of apple groves. Apples filled the trees, falling to the ground. Red and green coloured his wavering eyes. Jongdae saw the flocks of ducks walking around the roots of the tree picking the snails that were climbing up the barks with its busy bills.

“Not using pesticides is bothersome, but the ducks are doing their job,” Sehůn explained as Big Wolf barked around at the ducks that didn’t seem to care of its presence, trying to fill their stomachs. “However, the birds are still here,” he motioned to the many birds eating the fruits.

Sehůn reached up to a fresh apple, twisted at the stem, and picked it, handing it to Jongdae.

Jongdae stared at the apple quietly before taking a bite. Sweet dripping juice spilt from his lips as he tried to bite into the fruit. Jongdae couldn’t eat much, but he tried only to taste. It was delicious. He could taste how much flavour this single apple had. Not only did the dirt was nutritious for plants but it was also free of pesticides. No wonder there were just so many snails around the trees. It was then Jongdae noticed tiny little hills all around as well.

“Moles, gophers, groundhogs…” Sehůn sighed. “It’s out of control, and it’s difficult trying to get rid of them without the other chemicals. I underestimated how hard it is to replicate the chain of life like nature does it.”

Jongdae bit into the apple again, taking out a chunk before throwing it to Big Wolf who quickly jumped to the little piece of apple eating it happily.

Of course, the apples weren’t all fresh. Many were picked and eaten haphazardly by other animals. And five people could only control so much of what was happening. Even though they were beings with abilities that influence the nature around them, simply trying to control nature wasn’t as easy as it may seem.

“It’s only been two years,” Jongdae said solemnly. To think that the others had been doing all of this, trying to create life, trying to replicate life when their own were of clones, trying to hang on to what was real, trying to hang on to Jongdae. Jongdae felt his heart clenched.

On the other side, Jongdae could see cows, pigs, goats and sheep in different sections where they fenced off the plants. On the different plane was a bigger pond where white egrets picked in the water their food, fishes jumped and swam.

“You don’t hire farmhands?” Jongdae knew the answer was. It was no point in trying to ask for human interference if they feared him, but Jongdae still found it hard to believe that this thing was the work of only five beings.

“No point. We have a lot of time on our hands anyway,” Sehůn sounded nonchalant, but Jongdae knew they were trying to focus on something else entirely, letting out their energy on _something_. 

Then, Jongdae spotted a familiar mob of dark grey hair, his shoulders were slumped, his gloved hands held on to the feet of dead chickens and ducks.

“Baëk!” Jongdae called out however loud he could, snapping the gloomy being back into life as Baëkhyun dropped the animal carcasses at his feet before hopping towards where they were.

Baëkhyun jumped into the wheelchair, ignoring Sehůn’s yells at his lack of cleanliness before hugging him, resting his legs over Jongdae’s right armrest, curling himself into a ball, hugging Jongdae tight.

Like that, Baëkhyun stayed in Jongdae’s embrace, resting his head against Jongdae’s heart. Jongdae looked into blinking silver eyes. Baëkhyun didn’t say anything, refused to say anything, and kept on holding Jongdae.

“Coyotes…” Sehůn had left to count the dead birds before coming back to push the two of them forward again. “We couldn’t have electric fences, and they just keep pushing in.”

Jongdae didn’t say anything, bathing in Baëkhyun’s warmth in his laps, listening to the farm animals, watching so many lives lived in front of him.

They were doing well in raising lives, but they found it difficult trying to keep them alive. Jongdae looked to the many fruits and vegetables being eaten by moles and gophers. Flocks of flying birds dominating the sky plunged in rhythm, poking and peaking on almost every single fresh apple, orange, plum, rendering the effort in farming these fruits and vegetable almost hopeless. Baëkhyun didn’t care to move to do his job, and Sehůn didn’t bother trying to stop them. There was just too much happening, but that was the way of nature. If the dirt was alive, the grass would grow, and where there was grass, there were rabbits, and where there were rabbits, there will be wolves and coyotes. The list never stopped. True that there was a cycle to this nature, but to climb the ladder to the top of the chain and reached the full cycle was a harrowing feat because nature would just keep throwing things on top of each other, making it feel like an endless road instead of a controllable cycle.

Jongdae sighed.

“Hawks,” he spoke after a long while listening to the animals ravaging the farm.

“What?” Sehůn muttered.

“Hawks eat many things,” Jongdae took a breather, couldn’t believe he was trying to find ways to keep this seemingly hopeless farm alive. “Birds, gophers…”

There was another silence around them.

“It’s only been two years, Hůn-ah… Nature isn’t simply just putting things together and expecting them to work,” Jongdae’s hand patted Baëkhyun’s back. “Some take a decade to come as far as you, not to mention hard work, effort, manpower, equipment…”

“What do we do to save it?” Baëkhyun finally spoke, and Jongdae looked down to weak pleading silver eyes, asking for help, asking for guidance, asking for Jongdae.

Jongdae bit down the urge to cry. He had enough of it this morning already. “Do what you’ve been doing,” he looked to the mountain. This was once dried and bare-boned with little to no trees and dead dirt. Seeing it alive at this stage was burning something into Jongdae’s heart. “You see snails, you let the ducks eat them. If there are aphids, the ladybugs will come. If there are birds… then comes hawks. You look at nature, look at what it throws at you. The birds are eating the fruits now, but soon the hawks will come.”

“Kāi can just go get some,” Sehůn’s voice seemed enlightened through his tone, and Jongdae’s cheeks grew warm. “We don’t have hawks yet, you’re right.”

“Sure, but they won’t stay easily. They’re birds of freedom. Taming them is difficult,” Jongdae chuckled. “Sometimes, all you can do is wait. It is a difficult task, but that’s how nature works. Enough waiting and either problems or solutions will arise. We simply try to follow the flow and settle in… Endure.” 

Jongdae looked up, and he could tell Sehůn’s mind was working again. All this time, they were hiding their struggles, and now they weren’t hiding the fact that they were relieved somewhat.

“Just build some birdhouses all around the farm,” Jongdae added. “Owls and hawks will come, I’m sure.”

When they were back at the cottage, Jongdae didn’t see Chanyeøl in his sight.

“He’s a little busy at the moment with Suhø,” Sehůn spoke with a calm voice, but Jongdae knew what was happening already. “Baëkhyun will look after you for now.”

 _“Is there anything else you want to say?”_ Chanyeøl glared at him with a menace. Jongdae shivered beside him, taking a step backwards unknowingly.

 _“There would have been if you fucking listen!”_ he tried time and time again to reason, but Chanyeøl was stubborn while Jongdae was still hesitant.

 _“No,”_ Chanyeøl stated firmly before glancing at Jongdae briefly, walking away. _“Not now.”_

It stumped both him and Jongdae that they could only watch Chanyeøl walk away and slam the door behind him.

And then it was Jongdae that excused himself, hiding his charred and bleeding face from him, telling him not to follow.

He was on the rooftop, his mind in a slump. It was he that had messed trying to match them together, and now they were going out of their ways to blame themselves. This would never end. Chanyeøl spoke of a future where he would open his arms for Jongdae, but when would be that future?

 _“A lover’s quarrel?”_ Junmyeon was suddenly next to him, his hand offering a bottle of beer.

 _“Tell me about it,”_ he grunted, taking a sip, leaning back on his arms as he dangled his feet off the building. 

_“Give them time,”_ Junmyeon sighed, yawning into the glowing night.

 _“We don’t have time,”_ he whispered.

_“How long did you take to make Chanyeøl pair with you?”_

He chuckled bitterly. He didn’t want to think about it.

 _“Our Jongdae has been alone for a long time,”_ Junmyeon’s eyes were gentle, all-knowing, lacking the sharpness of his own clone. _“With you, it’s easy for him to connect. You’re both of the same elements and embedded with natural energy that cancels each other out, but… it’s a different story with Chanyeøl.”_

There was an eventual realization that trying to control nature and the elements were taking a toll on the individual. There had been many close calls where one tipped over and spilt their uncontrolled element, breaking and splitting their own beings under a great amount of stress. Hence, the pairing began. It was different for everyone, both the originals and clones. And they had to figure it all out themselves. There was no right or wrong way of doing it.

Suhø and Baëkhyun kept each other’s element pure and clear of the darkness. Without the light, Suhø would wash ashore the most poisonous sea. Without the water, Baëkhyun would shatter the glimmer in the sky and fill the space with the radioactive atmosphere. The youngsters kept themselves busy on the other hand. With Sehůn, the distance became clear and focused as Kāi shifted through the nature and soothing wind around him with a light heart. With Kāi, the space in the between felt small and adaptable and the air rattled with joy whenever Sehůn felt the matter moved effortlessly with a grace only Kāi could manage.

Chanyeøl was different. His storm couldn’t simply contain such a powerful being. He had been taming Chanyeøl, but only when he was warming up. When Chanyeøl was stretched too far and strung too high, he became the most unstable of them all. One wrong move, and he could snap so easily. And because of that very reason, Chanyeøl loathed himself.

 _“Jongdae sees himself in Chanyeøl. It’s both relieving and terrifying for him though I’d argue Chanyeøl only found it terrifying,”_ Junmyeon counted the stars with his eyes. _“They’re indeed alike in many ways, but still… Jongdae isn’t Chanyeøl.”_

Jongdae and Chanyeøl were the most powerful within their respected teams, but Jongdae was most powerful when he kept his own element in check, which was why he could stay focused without help, standing alone easily. Chanyeøl was most powerful when he was uncontrolled, which was why he couldn’t exist without him. He had been so elated that they’d joined forces, and the moment he tangled himself with Jongdae’s storms, he knew for certain that he was another that could keep Chanyeøl from falling apart.

 _“Unlike Chanyeøl, if Jongdae fails to keep himself afloat, the only thing he destroys, in the end, is himself,”_ Junmyeon now looked back at him with a blank gaze, pinning him down with quiet threat. _“Are you sure your clones are enough to stop him when the time comes?”_

 _“Even if they aren’t, they have to be,”_ he said it with conviction.

Junmyeon let out a bitter chuckle, a common trait among terrible leaders. _“We can only hope they won’t end up where we will be.”_

He didn’t know what to reply to that. For such powerful beings and commanding presence, they were both failures of a leader. He sighed. That didn’t need to be said. From the way Junmyeon’s eyes lost their glint along with his, it was enough shown.

_“Don’t worry about them. I know Jongdae well. Though he appears gentle and is gentle, Jongdae is headstrong. He won’t let Chanyeøl toss him around.”_

_“I know,”_ He looked back to Junmyeon was now standing up.

 _“Just let them be,_ _Chën,”_ Junmyeon muttered as he stepped away from him, leaving the rooftop. _“Only time could bring them together.”_

When Jongdae opened his eyes, Baëkhyun had been sleepily mumbling incoherent words into his chest, holding on to him tight.

Baëkhyun was lively, talking a lot more than yesterday, asking him about every little thing as if he was a baby, babbling his speech to his parents and wanting them to talk to him and pay attention to him.

Though Jongdae realized that he’d missed Chanyeøl’s peculiar warmth, Jongdae was happy too that Baëkhyun was with him.

Throughout the chatty breakfast, Jongdae’s mind wandered to his dreams. Even Junmyeon believed in him. It made him shake with disdain of himself. Chën and Junmyeon had been expecting him to fulfil his role for so long, yet Jongdae stayed hesitant, untrusting of others but himself. Junmyeon never once talked to him about it, only offering a silent hug whenever he was sad. Chën, however, kept encouraging him, but Jongdae couldn’t do it. Both had given him time and never forced him into accepting his role.

Jongdae breathed in steadily.

He needed Chanyeøl here.

They needed to talk.

“Baëk, where—” a change in the air made him pause.

“Hyung!” Kāi and his brilliant blue hair and dazzling blue eyes greeted him, and Jongdae tried his hardest to keep his breathing steady, keeping himself together. He would talk to Chanyeøl later.

“Kāi,” Jongdae smiled easily as Kāi climbed on to the bed and hugged him. A different kind of warmth, but a welcoming one nonetheless. Jongdae was now starting to accept the ache in his heart as he let Kāi’s lips brushed over the short strands of his hair.

“I want to stay with you today… if that’s okay?” there was a sliver of tired look in Kāi’s eyes, but Jongdae didn’t press, letting himself be swept up easily when he nodded with a brighter chuckle.

Baëkhyun was still sitting in his laps, refusing to leave, his legs swung over the wheelchair’s armrest, his arms hugging Jongdae’s shoulders. Big Wolf trotted along easily while Kāi took him to another side of the farm where yesterday he couldn’t be.

In a blink of an eye, Jongdae was amongst the horses.

“I like horses,” a small shy smile was on Kāi’s lips as he left Jongdae to lead a chestnut horse towards him. After all, the farm was to be of whatever they wanted to raise, and it fitted Kāi perfectly even though he was almost unrecognizable, this Kāi, compared to the past.

“Does he have a name?” Jongdae looked up in awe as the huge creature slowly lean down to sniff softly around his hair. It was as enamoured to meet Jongdae as he was of him.

“His name is … Ari,” Kāi looked away, petting the horse’s back, blushing at his own statement.

“Ari…”

Jongdae melted into Ari’s dark starry eyes as he stared into him so perceptively as if he knew what Jongdae was thinking. For a moment, a silent pause, Ari was still and did nothing but gazed down at him. And Jongdae felt so, _so_ exposed. Even this creature could tell what Jongdae was feeling. Jongdae lifted his hand to trace his muzzle, but Ari didn’t move away or become uncomfortable, his long lashes blinking softy.

It was uncalled for, but Jongdae hiccupped and cried against Ari’s forehead as he moved closer to nuzzle his face against Jongdae even more.

Kāi didn’t say anything. Baëkhyun only hugged him closer.

Jongdae was wheezing as he tried to make sense of this pain he was feeling.

All of this time, only now that Jongdae was beginning to feel the heat of Baëkhyun’s embrace truly seeping into his tired and sore bones. The horse then made a soft purring noise as he nosed into his hair, and Jongdae leaned back with blurry eyes to stare into Ari’s knowing eyes. He could feel the animal’s empathy trying to pull him back. Without words, Ari could tell where he’d been, easily putting him back together, and guiding him.

It wasn’t as painful as the cry he had with Chanyeøl. It was breaking out the feelings he still held back so far.

Only now did he felt Kāi’s warm palm on his back soothing him, reminding him where he was, where he could be, where he could stay, where he had to let go if he were to leave, a place filled with life that flourished underneath the care and love it deserved. A beautiful place of a fairy-tale where he didn’t have to force himself to wake up. A place that he could simply exist and be okay. 

It was Junmyeon’s gentle voice in his dreams. It was Chën’s confidence filling up his heart.

Why did he wait so long to go Chanyeøl? Why did he have to take such a long and painful road to get here? Why couldn’t everyone be with him in this beautiful place?

“Kāi,” Jongdae breathed into a shaky breath as Baëkhyun gently wiped his tears away, his silver eyes reddened and blinking with him. “Could you take us to the flowers?”

“Of course.”

It was a beautiful and peaceful afternoon.

Jongdae sat in the flowers, quietly making flower crowns. Baëkhyun slept in the field, his head lying on Jongdae’s laps, his arms wrapped around Jongdae’s waist. Kāi led Ari around, playing fetch with Big Wolf in the flowers. 

Jongdae had always thought flowers looked really nice on everyone’s head. It had always been his logic. Jongdae felt warm as he remembered Jongin and Chanyeol happily agreeing with him that even crocodiles would look cuter with flowers on their head while they all took turns placing flowers into each other’s hair. Junmyeon wasn’t as enthusiastic, but he picked a pink rose from the table upon where Jongdae had laid his harvest, pressing it to his nose before going back to drink his coffee. Minseok had scoffed and rendered them idiots with their logic, but quietly putting Jongdae’s tulips into his jacket’s pocket before leaving the room. Kyungsoo gently scolded the three for littering the room with leaves and petals, but he helped them put an array of flowers into the mended vase. Sehun growled when Jongdae put a white flower in his right ear, but he didn’t make any move to remove it, going back to napping on the opposite couch. Yixing took a bunch and ate them, earning giggles from Baekhyun who happily fed him more and yells from Jongdae who threatened to strike them both down with a storm.

Only now as Jongdae threaded and laced the flowers into delicate crowns did he felt the life that Suhø had poured into these beautiful mountain flowers. His fingers that now bore endless scars that could no longer be healed by Yixing’s gentle hands felt the warmth of Suhø’s desperation for him, calling out to him, trying to keep standing on solid ground.

When Baëkhyun sniffled and sneezed, appearing adorably angry that he woke himself up, Jongdae patted his dark grey hair gently and placed a crown of chamomiles on his head gently. Baëkhyun picked it up from his hair, however, sat up from his sleepy nap, blinked at the crown before giving it back to Jongdae.

“Again,” Baëkhyun muttered, pointing to his messy dark grey strands, silvers eyes awake and hopeful.

Jongdae chuckled with a blush and sat up straighter, now properly placing the white chamomile crown atop of his messy hair.

Baëkhyun then for the first time in all this time broke into the brightest smile, resembling that of Baekhyun’s carefree smile, one that filled Jongdae’s heart with happiness.

 _“A mountain?”_ Junmyeon smiled a content smile.

His ears perked, hearing the words spilt from Jongdae’s lips. The others had spoken words of money, fortune, a comfortable home, a flashy car, and all that glittered, but Jongdae smiled shyly to himself, mostly embarrassed that he had to answer with every one of them here.

 _“I want to live on a mountain,”_ Jongdae’s eyes were bright, lingering on him a little too long and it made his heart flipped a little too hard. _“I want to grow all the flowers. I want to raise all the animals… and I want to…”_ a moment he caught Jongdae’s eyes flickered to Chanyeøl whose back faced everyone else in the room while his edgy and fiery self petted small little Big Wolf in his own little world. _“I want to live that with every one of us.”_

 _“I thought you didn’t enjoy us being around you,”_ Chanyeol stated dumbly, earning a heavy jab in the ribs from Yixing who smiled innocently as he healed Chanyeol’s broken ribs back as if nothing had happened. _“I mean— it’s… wonderful, Jongdae-ah…”_

 _“I like being with everyone,”_ Jongdae hugged his legs further on the floor as he leaned against the couch’s seat in between Jongin’s legs while Jongin was quietly combing through Jongdae’s strands of dark curls happily. _“We don’t all have to stay. It’s just my idea really. I thought maybe we could live in different parts of the mountain, in a nearby village, or even in the city. Just as long as we gather on the mountain from time to time. Don’t you think spending time in a forest is healing and peaceful?”_

 _“Who said you can’t build a fancy house on a mountain?”_ Baëkhyun nodded determinedly, his fist rose above his head. _“My ultimate playroom can be underground—”_

His eyes twitched as he held Baëkhyun’s forehead in his hand, pressing him back on the couch, threatening him with a shock of his life, though Baëkhyun looked more excited to be shocked rather than threatened. _“Stop soiling Jongdae’s ears with your horniness,”_ He angrily whispered.

 _“Like you’re not—”_ Baëkhyun whispered back.

 _“How dare you accuse me of such crimes. I only exist to enjoy his presence and nothing else!”_ he whispered with a cool demeanour. Of course, a love as pure as brotherly love. Maybe, if he got lucky, he might get a few innocent goodnight kisses, and that was all he lived for—

Jongdae nervously chuckled, but he didn’t falter much, smiling welcomingly. _“Of course! I welcome all!”_ And Baëkhyun popped back to sit straight with a resounding fist pump in the air. As much as he wanted to smack Baëkhyun, he also wanted to roll Jongdae into a blanket and keep him in his pocket. Too pure for this world. _“I just want us all to enjoy our own happiness and also live in a healing place…”_ Jongdae sighed for a moment and tilted on Jongin’s left thigh, resting his head gently. _“I want to be with life and raise life… I’m tired of taking it.”_ There was a sombre silence overtaking the bright mood, and Jongdae whined into Jongin’s thigh and hugged his leg, to which Jongin responded in kind and leaned down to hug him back. _“I’m— I’m sorry…”_

 _“Oh, Dae, I think it’s absolutely genius!”_ he waved him off, trying to lift the mood back up _. “Big Wolf gets plenty of grass to run on. Chanyeøl is our fireplace, and I get to stay under the same roof as you. It’ll be a perfect place for me.”_

 _“Wait—”_ Chanyeøl suddenly turned back and glared at him. _“You think I’d let your filth near Dae!?”_

The room stilled again.

Chanyeøl was slowly realising what his instinct had just made him do.

 _“You call him Dae already?”_ he cooed at the fire boy who was now sweating buckets, turning himself away from everyone again. _“But you haven’t gone on a date yet!”_

 _“Our lover boy is in—”_ Kāi was making a kissy face when a fireball flew at him, but Kāi just disappeared and reappeared, the fire long gone and out the window _. “L.O.V.E. Love~”_

The wholesome discussion dissolved into a fiery fight and endless teasing between Chanyeøl, him and Kāi while everyone else laughed. Jongdae was too embarrassed to stay, so Jongin took him out of there with a blink of an eye.

This time, the flickering red in Chanyeøl’s was out of embarrassment rather than just an intent to kill.

“Hyung! What about me?” Kāi had now brought Ari to lie down and sat by them. Big Wolf was now taking a break against the horse’s stomach snuggling up against Ari easily.

Jongdae brought a crown of red cosmos and smiled when Kāi’s eyes blinked dazedly at the vibrant colour. It looked stunning against his bright blue hair, his blue eyes were the most brilliant today.

“You made so many…” Kāi muttered in awe at the many crowns he made as he brought the daisy crown and placed it on Ari’s head who stayed peacefully still for him.

Jongdae smiled sombrely, “It’s… for everyone.”

“Hyung…” Kāi whispered, eyes now blinking for a different reason. Baëkhyun’s lips were now trembling as well.

“I’m sorry…” Jongdae finally said it. “I’m sorry… everyone…” Only now that Jongdae felt how truly comforting the mountain’s wind was. Sehůn’s hard work breathed through the dirt and the mountain bringing nature back to life. The flowers swayed prettily to the evening breeze. “I’ve done so little for us here… I’ve been so selfish. I’ve hurt us so much. I’m so sorry.”

“No— stop blaming yourself—” Kāi leaned into him, embracing his left now, and Jongdae could feel Baëkhyun hugging him on his right.

“Chën wouldn’t want you to shoulder everything,” Baëkhyun whimpered into his neck. Jongdae’s breath in was sharp, hearing his name like this was more than painful, but he had to push through. 

“Just stay with us. Bear everything with us,” Kāi added with a shaky sob.

“Otherwise, the others would have sacrificed nothing,” Baëkhyun painfully hiccupped through his cries.

“Okay,” Jongdae nodded weakly into their embrace, letting the words soak into his scared skin and tired bones.

Before he could ask to meet the rest, a loud deafening blast from behind them filled their sobbing heart with terror.

Quickly Jongdae tried to turn around, and in the distance atop the highest peak of the mountain was dark smoke filling up the bright orange clouds as the sun was getting ready to set.

Then, the faintest red and yellow flaming leapt high on the trees.

“Fuck, he’s—”

Jongdae caught onto Kāi’s wrist. “Take me to him.”

“But you’re still—” Baëkhyun tried to stop him, but Jongdae’s hand was slowly exerting the energy from the earth, feeling the power surging around him, his fingers slowly burned into Kāi’s wrist.

“Leader’s orders,” Jongdae stated firmly. There was no going back now. He was certain now of what he was supposed to do. After failing so many times, he must uphold Junmyeon’s and Chën’s believes and their hopes of him. “Take me to him.”

Kāi and Baëkhyun were still recovering from their cries, shocked and speechless, looking at each other with an understanding before nodding firmly.

The next moment they were in the thickness of it all. Flocks of dancing flames burned and charred down trees around them. It was blistering this heat, but Jongdae had been scorched to his last breath with Chanyeøl’s fire before.

Jongdae observed, and there was water splattered, and the wind was dead all around them.

“Kāi, take Suhø and Sehůn out of there,” Jongdae pushed himself up with their help, trying to stand on his own. Chanyeøl had promised to help him walk, and Jongdae was now determined to see through to it. Jongdae pushed the two away, standing shakily on his own. “They have to focus on stopping the fire from spreading. You and Baëkhyun keep watch on the wild animals, get them out if they’re in the way.”

Baëkhyun nodded, but before they could disappear, Jongdae held onto Kāi one last time.

“No matter what, don’t step into the fire, and… If the fire doesn’t stop—” Jongdae breathed slow, trying to steady himself. “Run.”

“Jongdae—”

“I don’t have time for this, Baëkhyun! Run!”

“Yes, leader,” Kāi pulled Baëkhyun back from Jongdae’s hand and cut off Baëkhyun’s scream.

The ground burned through his slippers, the air was cooking him alive.

Jongdae took slow and unsteady steps further into the fire, his hands trying to hold on to the remaining trees for support.

All was red around him. The fire was slowly eating the forest alive.

“I know… you can hear me,” Jongdae started as he stood in the charred clearing, the burning wind blew past him. “You can feel me.”

Jongdae tried his best to gather as much as he could remember, keep his mind on the things that mattered. The power surged through his tired body, but Jongdae held steady containing it.

“Yeøl.”

Before him was an unrecognizable figure.

Flames engulfed whole the man, and all Jongdae could see was his silhouette and his red eyes. Everything else was burned black and swallowed up by the sweltering fire.

“Yeøl—”

“ **Why** …” a deafening rumble through the earth. The sparks crackled and mixed with a deep voice that Jongdae could no longer recognise. Jongdae had to still himself as the fire surged upward with another powerful breeze. “ **Why do you keep running away from me** …”

Jongdae had to swallow back all hesitation, “I’m not. I won’t. I’m staying,” he had to focus on Chanyeøl now. The lukewarm touch, the gentle voice. He had to bring Chanyeøl back. Chanyeøl was always breaking Jongdae’s fall, becoming a different kind of rock in Chën’s absence for Jongdae. Now, it was time for him to break Chanyeøl’s fall. “I’m staying—”

“ **Lies…** ” a slurred growl, and before Jongdae could prepare himself, a great ball of fire flew his way.

Jongdae barely grazed past it, throwing himself to the side, but his left leg got caught in the fire. He held back a scream, trying to ignore the raw blaze on his leg boiling his skin on his flesh.

“ **Lies… nobody stayed…** ”

Jongdae now was on his elbows, crawling towards the flaming figure. Before the flames burned him whole, Jongdae had to stop this. He had to give his all. Chanyeøl never gave up on him, he knew that from the bottom of his heart. He knew everyone else didn’t give up on him, and Jongdae had to do the same for them.

“ **It’s my fault…** ” the deep rumble grew light. “ **I was selfish…** ” suddenly, laughter cut through the voices and the sparks. “ **I’ve been holding all of you back…** ”

“Yeøl…” Jongdae crawled and crawled because at this moment it was all he could do. Only now that the fire burned so powerfully onto his flesh that he realized how real Chanyeøl’s warmth was, how handsome he had been, how safe of a refuge he had offered him. He knew now he wouldn’t push that away from him ever again.

“ **I just want you to be happy** … **but I’ve brought only pain to you…** ” Jongdae looked up at the two endless circles of crimson on the silhouette’s head. “ **Don’t worry. Now, I’ll take the pain away from you.** ” 

This time, Jongdae was ready for it. With all his strength, Jongdae rolled himself away from another scorching flame. Jongdae tried to call out to Chanyeøl through his laboured breathing, bearing all the inferno that was slowly cooking the flesh of his legs. “Chanyeøl—”

“ **That’s what you’ve always wanted… I won’t take it away from you anymore…** ” there was a broken, shattered tone in the deep voice. “ **If it’s the only thing that can make you happy, I’ll kill everyone for you, and then I’ll kill you myself… and there’ll be no point in me being alive… we can all be together then…** ”

“No! Chanyeøl! I don’t want that!” Jongdae screamed with all his voice could carry, the tears spilt from his eyes only made him see Chanyeøl clearer underneath all the flames. “I want to stay with you, I want to be with you!”

A booming roar the figure sent toward the sky, arms coming up to hold its own head, shaking itself. The fire wavered, burning a little less. “ **Lies…** ”

“Please… I’m sorry, Chanyeøl… I’m so sorry… you’re not selfish. I was the selfish one,” Jongdae breathed slow, feeling the light burning in his palms.

He stilled in his crawling and held out his hand towards the burning silhouette. A spark sizzled on his palm, a blinding flash filled his vision, but Jongdae’s eyes adjusted quickly, seeing through the light to the one that was hugging his own legs on the ground.

“Chanyeøl, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I took so long to get to you, but I’m here now,” the familiar power coursed through his veins, seared through his blood, and Jongdae let out a strike of lightning towards the flaming figure. It stumbled and quaked, letting out an agonizing cry. “I won’t leave. I promise, Chanyeøl-ah. I’ll stay with you. We’ll be together from now on.”

Jongdae pushed through and sent more of himself through to Chanyeøl, caging him down, keeping him still. The silhouette was reduced to a writhing mess of screams and cries. Its scorching blaze slowly died down as it kneeled over and planted itself onto the charred ground, its flaming red eyes spilling burning flames as it stared at Jongdae.

“Chanyeøl… I’m here. I’m not going anywhere, Chanyeøl… I’m right here,” Jongdae finally crawled towards the figure that was now slowly shedding its scorched shell. Chanyeøl was bare underneath all the flames, snarling into the dirt pathetically as Jongdae kept pouring himself into him.

Jongdae reached into his dirty pink hair and draped himself over Chanyeøl’s shaking body, holding him against the ground, surging all the storm he had built up into Chanyeøl’s weeping body. He cried against Chanyeøl’s bare neck as he listened to Chanyeøl growl and thrash beneath him.

“I’m here, Chanyeøl. I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying. I’m not leaving. I’m with you. I’m with you,” as Jongdae whispered endless promises into Chanyeøl’s ears, his eyes saw the flames dying out. The forest was slowly growing darker. The red began seeping away from the leaves, dissipating into thin air.

With a laboured breath, Jongdae reached his scarred hand into the air, his eyes looked at the clouds, drawing them together, snapping them into place.

A flash of lightning and a crack of thunder consumed the evening sky.

Soon, he could hear the drizzling rain poured onto the fire from above.

The droplets kissed the flaring leaves, taking away what little flames left burning in the trees.

The drizzle grew heavier into a cooling shower.

Rainwater soaked into the scorched ground.

Chanyeøl was no longer crying, and Jongdae was no longer shocking him.

They breathed in the dirt, the rain, letting the water drench them in a calming shower.

“Yeøl…” Jongdae pushed himself up to flip Chanyeøl over before dropping himself onto Chanyeøl’s beating heart, his face pressed against his bare chest.

“Dae…” Chanyeøl finally whispered, and Jongdae looked up to familiar blue eyes blinking away the tears and rain, crinkling down at Jongdae like he was the only thing that counted.

“I love you, Yeøl,” Jongdae pressed a soft kiss against Chanyeøl’s heart.

Chanyeøl’s eyes narrow and closed. He pulled Jongdae closer, his hand held his nape, his lips pressed into dark wet strands, “I love you, Dae.”

 _“When it’s all over…”_ Chanyeøl whispered into his hair, his arm held his bare body close. _“When it’s all over, I’ll go to him.”_

He looked up into Chanyeøl’s blue and white eyes then _. “You promise?”_

_“I promise, Chën. I promise.”_

When Jongdae opened his eyes again, he was in the familiar cottage where pretty miscellaneous things adorned the little space being lit up by the pretty morning sun.

Jongdae watched above him the curtain flowing gently as the window was opened slightly to let the sound of the morning drizzle and pitter-patter of the forest drenched in a soft shower filled his ears. 

He looked to his right. Chanyeøl laid beside on his back, his bare chest rising steadily. Suhø and Baëkhyun hogged the space left on the mattress as they slept in their seat. He looked to his left. Sehůn and Kāi snored softly in their seats, their blue and dark locks spilt onto the bed. At the foot of the bed, Big Wolf was stretching itself awake. The golden retriever noticed his eyes quickly and yelped happily walking over his bandaged legs to press itself over Jongdae’s tired body. His legs were sore and feverish from the burns, but it was nothing Jongdae couldn’t handle. He’d been through worse.

It was Suhø that stirred awake first, his deep blue eyes blinking prettily before sitting from resting his head on his arms. “Jongdae-ah…” a red crack in his lips, a blooming purple in his eye, a tired smile. “Good morning.”

Jongdae reached forth, and Suhø was quick to stand up and lean into his touch, so Jongdae wouldn’t have to stretch himself. He traced the bruises on his face before petting his red hair gently. “Sorry to have kept you waiting.”

“You’re back with us. It’s all that matters,” Suhø smiled down at him softly before being shoved away back into his seat by Baëkhyun who pushed his head into Jongdae’s palm.

“Morning, leader!” Baëkhyun smiled happily into his pets. Jongdae’s heart beat at the title. 

“Stop pushing him, you—” Kāi smacked his head away before leaning over with a smile, and Jongdae chuckled, ruffling his blue hair easily.

“You’re all terrible members,” Sehůn mumbled grumpily in his sleep, pushing his head into Jongdae’s shoulder, nuzzling into Jongdae’s nape.

“I’m the actually best one,” Chanyeøl groaned poking at Sehůn’s head and flicked him away from Jongdae, draping his arm over Jongdae and smothering his smaller body with his bare chest.

Jongdae sighed, ignored the burns in his cheeks, looked up at Chanyeøl’s handsome morning smile, tightened his right fist, and slammed his knuckles full-force into Chanyeøl’s forehead.

“Ah! Fuck me—” Chanyeøl whined, both his hands held forehead, and Baëkhyun was quick to blow gentle air on to the bruise.

“ _You’re_ the best?!” Jongdae huffed with an annoyed grunt. “You’re supposed to help me walk in the water, and instead you dried up the whole pond and roasted my legs! How is _that_ supposed to help me walk!?”

Chanyeøl whimpered and whined into Baëkhyun’s hug now, his back facing Jongdae with shame. “Sorry…”

Jongdae shook his head before turning to Sehůn chuckling at Chanyeøl and flicking his forehead. Sehůn hiccupped with a pout. Jongdae ignored him and petted Big Wolf happily. “You’re two years into farming, and you didn’t think of getting farm dogs? You realise how Big Wolf have to play alone all this time?”

“Oh… I’ll get … more dogs…” Sehůn blushed profusely, rubbing his forehead gently.

“They’ll guard the chickens and drive off the coyotes. The coyotes will focus on hunting the groundhogs and gophers instead,” Jongdae mumbled into his golden retriever’s forehead. Turning to Baëkhyun, Jongdae motioned him to come close with his fingers and pulled on Baëkhyun’s ear.

“Ah! Jongdae! Jongdae—”

“Don’t you think you’re a little too lazy around here?” Jongdae reprimanded, seeing how Baëkhyun had been the quietest and most sluggish of them all. “Start talking normally and help around the mountain, and shining the light onto the plants at night aren’t enough.”

“Okay! Okay! I’ll work! I promise!”

Jongdae glared at Baëkhyun who nodded enthusiastically and let go of his ear.

When his eyes met Kāi’s hopeful ones, Jongdae reached out to pet Kāi’s blue hair. “You’re working hard, Kāi,” Jongdae smiled, knowing Kāi had been moving the animals around. He must’ve been the most hardworking around. As Kāi revelled in his praise, Jongdae slipped his fingers into his ear and turned.

“AH! What— Hyung!”

“Don’t you think you’re working a little _too_ hard around here?” Jongdae scoffed at the tired sheepish eyes.

“But I have to—”

“You’re staying with Baëkhyun for a month,” Jongdae let go his ear, not bothering to care to listen to them whine about the sudden room change. “You’re ordering Baëkhyun around.” Jongdae turned to a pouty Baëkhyun. “And you’re listening to Kāi.”

The two followed easily, and it seemed that Suhø and Sehůn didn’t appear bothered at the change, nodding understandably.

Soon, Suhø cleared his throat and stood over Jongdae again, waiting for his turn, his cheeks burning in shame already before Jongdae said anything.

Jongdae smiled and petted Suhø’s red soft hair gently. “You’ve done well,” Jongdae was careful not to touch his bruises. “I’ll clean your wounds, okay?”

Suhø’s blue eyes widened and crinkled happily. “Okay!”

The others were understandably jealous, but what could Jongdae do? Suhø had done his fair share of work, grew the flowers well, and Jongdae hadn’t seen him much like the rest. Chanyeøl grumbled with Baëkhyun to his side. Kāi and Sehůn just sighed mournfully.

“You’re surprisingly mean,” Chanyeøl mumbled.

Jongdae laughed then, the brightest laugh without burden now. “Someone has to scold you, and it’s my job.” At that everyone’s eyes lightened up, glowing brightly in the morning sun.

The others had pushed Chanyeøl out and into the bathroom, and Jongdae was left with Suhø who pointed to the flower vase he didn’t notice that was here before by the bedside table on his right.

“It’s the flowers you picked yesterday,” Suhø then brought out a basket of flower crowns up from below the bed. “I thought you’d still need it.”

Jongdae knew that he could trust Suhø as he looked into the basket full of fresh flower crowns. Suhø had preserved them as well. “Thank you.”

There was a long road ahead of them, and Jongdae didn’t need to break away from this fairy-tale anymore. After all, they’d built this fairy-tale together. They deserved to stay. Jongdae traced the soft petals of the flowers before looking back to Suhø.

“Before we do anything… will you take me to the waterfalls?” Jongdae asked and realized everyone was in the room with a stiff reaction. He couldn’t say he’d never been to one now that Jongdae had somewhat done so long ago.

Chanyeøl had emerged from others’ stiff bodies with a welcoming smile, the one that Jongdae found comfort in. “Of course,” he came to pick Jongdae up without question and placing him in the wheelchair, rearranging his bandaged legs on the footrests. His pink hair fluffy and soft from the morning shower, his skin was glistening no longer charred, his lips smiled up at him brightly.

Chanyeøl looked toward Kāi who appeared apprehensive for a moment before doing what was told.

Jongdae stared blankly at the waterfall. His drizzling rain still ravaged the mountain with soothing drips all around them, but near the waterfalls, the drizzling rain was drowned out by the heavy gushing of water showering down the rocks. Rainbows sprayed across the peeking morning sunlight. Jongdae chuckled. It wasn’t even that far, yet it had felt so long the fall he took.

There weren’t any big rocks down below as he remembered. Someone must’ve thrown it away somewhere.

Jongdae reached into the basket of flower crowns, and Chanyeøl was quick to notice, pushing him closer to the water. Jongdae watched the water flowed further past his eyes could see down further down the hill, down the mountain. He threw the flowers into the water, watching as the crowns got carried up by the current.

He didn’t want to crawl towards the water and force himself to wake up anymore with his hand reaching back to hold Chanyeøl’s on the handle. He wanted to stay in the warmth of Chanyeøl and everyone else that was staying with him. No matter how painful the days would be, no matter suffocating it was, he knew now that everyone would always be there to pull him back, and he knew that Chanyeøl would be the first to catch him.

For weeks, Jongdae let his rain fall and drench the mountain. Chanyeøl had told him there was a drought last year, and everyone especially Suhø had been struggling to keep the plants alive, so Jongdae showered the mountain with his rain, letting the others know that he wouldn’t be running anymore.

Chanyeøl was back at his side, caring for him, picking him up, helping him eat. Jongdae could now eat on his own. His hands were healing better. His legs were closer to healing as Chanyeøl changed his bandages carefully. Chanyeøl slept by his side no longer afraid to hold Jongdae.

Chën’s dreams and his blurred with one another, memories of the good past and the nightmares haunting him, but Chanyeøl was always the one to wake him up from it, keeping him close. Jongdae focused on the words of Yixing, Kyungsoo and Minseok, and how they had dealt with their clones’ painful memories, remembering how they had held themselves up despite the immense knowledge.

Jongdae watched as Suhø filled up the little pond by their cottage again as Kāi and Baëkhyun brought back the flowers and fishes that stayed in the pond, placing rocks and pavement at the bottom so it would be easier to walk in. Big Wolf jumped into the pond happily before swimming back out to dry itself right in front of Jongdae, earning giggles from him.

Sehůn and Baëkhyun brought them to the farm where they’d brought four more dogs to raise. Jongdae watched as Baëkhyun pointed to the birdhouses that they’d set up around the farm and trees, telling him which ones were of barn owls and which ones were of hawks while Chanyeøl smacked Sehůn who tried to steal pets from Jongdae.

The dead gophers and groundhogs laid at the other side of the ranch. Plenty of maggots and flies ravaged the carcasses, but the chickens were there to keep the maggot numbers to a reasonable amount for them to co-exist with one another.

The snails that bothered the trees and cows were relentlessly picked up by the busy ducks while their compose served to be the fertilizers for the plants and cover crops.

Jongdae’s rain continued to fill up the mountain with million tons of water. Normally, if the dirt had been dead, the water would’ve washed away all the top nutritious soil in bulks and landslides, but their efforts were rewarded as the living earth soaked up and retained all the water, keeping animals and microorganisms alive.

How Jongdae wished for everyone to see how well they were doing, how beautiful everything was around them, how they had managed to work with nature and ride the flow of a process that had been there for billions of years.

“That’s a bear!” Chanyeøl’s blue eyes sparkled beautifully as he looked up at the blue sky clouds.

Jongdae smiled before he nonchalantly said, “No, that’s a kangaroo.”

He could hear the struggle in Chanyeøl’s eyes trying not to twitch as the clouds suddenly formed into a field of kangaroos. “That’s…” _cheating?_ Jongdae anticipated, waiting for Chanyeøl to call him out, but— “right.”

Jongdae then burst into a peal of laughter.

Chanyeøl huffed and threw more rocks into the pond, his legs angrily kicked the water away, his hand picking up a fish that was happily flapping in his palm and throwing it away across the water, watching the fish swim back to wait for Chanyeøl to throw him again. Jongdae reached down from his wheelchair to ruffle his hair softly.

Then, Chanyeøl was finally unwrapping the bandages from his legs. Scars and burned up skin filled their vision, but Jongdae didn’t care. They all had scars to bear, and though Chanyeøl and the other no longer had scars on their faces, the ones in their hearts would never go away, and Jongdae knew it wasn’t about staring at them and poking at them. They just had to go on their ways, bearing them proudly because that was the best they could do, and that was okay.

Chanyeøl was in the pond before him, and Jongdae sat on the edge, his legs dipped in the cooling water. Chanyeøl’s warm hand held his, pulling Jongdae gently into the water. Both of them now submerged in the water, the fish pecking gently at their drenched clothes.

Jongdae’s legs felt so much better for the first time in a long time. The tension and the stress were lifted from his muscles as the water held him up. Jongdae felt his toes and his feet landed softly on the cold rocks beneath the clear water, his hands going up to hold Chanyeøl’s shoulders for support.

Slowly, Chanyeøl led him forward, and Jongdae felt his muscles move freely without ache and pain, melting against Chanyeøl’s bigger supportive frame.

They walked back and forth in the little space, relishing in each other’s silence and warmth in this cooling water.

Chanyeøl had stepped away further, still holding Jongdae’s hand, but Jongdae had to learn to walk without support, so Chanyeøl finally let go, and Jongdae was walking a few steps forward easily.

When Jongdae’s toes curled in panic, it was Chanyeøl that caught him. There was no point trying to catch him in the small pond. The worst that could happen was Jongdae fully submerging in the freshwater, but Chanyeøl was on autopilot, and Jongdae beamed brightly at the blushing man that excused himself and tried to break himself away from Jongdae to give him space again.

Jongdae held on, however, his hands clutching Chanyeøl’s soaked shirt, his feet gently pushed against the rock, his lips brushing gently against Chanyeøl’s quivering ones.

He chuckled and pulled him down to kiss his forehead softly as well, brushing away the pretty strands, staring at the reddened cheeks.

However—

“Yeøl… stop that… you’re cooking us again,” feeling the warmth seeping against his body, Jongdae broke into a bright glee at Chanyeøl’s babbling mess. “Okay— get out, Yeøl— Chanyeøl!” He himself tried to disregard his own reddened face, pushing Chanyeøl out of the pond.

Then, Jongdae was walking slowly through the water alone while Chanyeøl hugged his legs on the edge of the pond, hiding his blushing face, trying to cool off his own steam. Time to time, Jongdae slipped and sank into the pond, but Jongdae’s arms pushed against the water, and he broke out of the surface, wiping the droplets away from his face, and kept on walking.

As the sun dipped closer to the horizon, Chanyeøl smiled gently from the edge of the pond where the fireflies surrounded him, and Jongdae no longer walked, resting his tired legs, floating towards him slowly. Jongdae caught hold of the edge and pulled himself toward Chanyeøl who dipped his head down to press his forehead against his.

A gentle deep voice muttered close, “Let’s go home,” bright blues flickered with the lights of the fireflies.

A small smile pressed easily into welcoming lips.

“Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written because I was stuck in a writer’s block in writing Breathe Into Me again. Thank you for reading this depressing but hopeful piece.


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